TITLE: The Story of Laurel Blue Stone
GENRE: YA
Laurel Blue Stone has been kidnapped by a killer and her husband, Cal, and friend, Dinah, search for her in a dangerous New Mexican ice cave.
In the beam of her flashlight Dinah saw Cal’s swollen bloody fingers groping for purchase on the slimy cave wall. “You’re real good at this,” she whispered, hoping to bolster him.
His arms burned with fatigue. Hours of holding them above his head reaching for ruts had taken its toll. His diaphragm burned. His thick legs trembled, nearly buckling, from exertion. “This is no place for a fat man.” He dropped his spent arms to his sides to get the blood circulating back into his hands and rested his forehead against the cold wall.
Dinah felt sorry for Cal. Sorry that his wife had been abducted by a madman. Sorry his fingers were bleeding. Sorry he was a fat man trying to be brave. And sorry he was partnered with her. “We keep going, right?” Dinah eyed the rushing obsidian water beneath their slippery perch.
“There’s no way out here,” he wheezed. “Believe me, if I thought—“
“You don’t know that until you go down there.” Dinah’s forceful gesture knocked Cal off balance. His left arm windmilled in the void while his right sought a furrow of safety. One cleated boot remained fast but the other entered the black space above the roiling water.
Dinah threw her arm out, pinning him to the wall. “Sorry,” she whispered. “Sorry.”
Cal waited till his heart resumed its normal rhythm. “We’ve got to go back--” his bone-weary response was interrupted by the echo of the feral growl behind them.
First off, I don't believe this is YA if one of the main protagonsists is married. How old are they? Second the writing is lovely, but I'm not feeling the stakes here. I had to read it twice to understand Dinah alomst knocked Cal to his death. I think both characters would feel a little more panic being trapped on a slippery cliff.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is tight and very good, and I like the touch of humor in a tense situation. I only have two small quibbles: This isn't YA if the MC is married; I don't know what you mean by "groping for purchase". I even looked to see if there's some obscure meaning to the word purchase, but I couldn't find it.
ReplyDeleteI think that a sweep of adjectives might make the scene flow more. There are too many - 'swollen, bloody fingers' -'slimy cave wall' - 'slippery perch' - 'rushing obsidian water' and so forth. They interrupt the tension and make the reader focus more on description than emotional connection to a frightening, high stakes situation.
ReplyDeleteFor Lanette - 'groping for purchase' meaning, trying to find a handhold or a place to grip.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this, though I'll say it felt a bit like head-hopping between Dinah and Cal. Also, while I really liked the run of the 'Sorry...' lines in paragraph 3 (I use a lot of that myself), I'll quibble with 'a fat man trying to be brave', as one should have nothing to do with the other. 'A fat man trying to squeeze through a small space' maybe. Finally, you could probably tighten up the bit where she knocks him off balance. Maybe reorder it so his foot slips first, and then he teeters over the chasm.
Nicely done.
Very well written, with a nice sense of place! You do a great job setting the scene and creating tension through dialog...
ReplyDeleteAlso loved the cliffhanger ending! Nice job!
Over all I really like the feel of this except for one instance when the POV sort of falters.
ReplyDeleteHis arms burned with fatigue...
Even if you just added the word 'probably' I would not be as bothered, because I assume we are in Dinah's head. This paragraph puts us in Cal's head.
Also we don't know what 'forceful gesture took place.
Still good job.I already feel for these characters
I agree with others on the POV slips and the YA genre issue.
ReplyDeleteGreat description. I'm not familiar with the ice caves, and this makes me want to learn more.
A few questions for clarity:
Is Dinah sorry Cal is partnered with her for her own sake or his?
What is the forceful gesture? A wave, a point, exasperated hands in the air? Is she gesturing with the flashlight, or the hand that should be holding onto something for her own balance?
On the last line (great motivator for going forward, by the way), if this is their first time hearing the growl, it should be a growl, not the growl.
Good tension and scene setting.
I loved the action/tension in this, but the shifting POV did bother me, especially because it alternated nearly every paragraph (At quick glance, I get 1-Dinah, 2-Cal, 3-Dinah, 4-neutral/omniscient, 5-Cal, 6-omni, 7-Cal). I think you'll want to decide whose "head" you're inside through most of the scene.
ReplyDeleteAs others commented, I think you can make it more clear that Cal nearly falls to his death. If he's the POV character, let us see his terror. If he's not the POV character, you can show how horrified Dinah is as she watches this happen.
You've chosen a great, dramatic setting (intriguing, too--ice cave!) and the scene is loaded with tension. I'd like to read more.
Like many I was confused by the genre. But, leaving that aside, I thought the description in the para where he starts to fall was first-rate. I could see it - arms windmilling, one cleated boot in empty air etc. That was vivid and easily pictured. I assumed that you had an omniscient 3rd person narration so it did not much bother me that there were shifts. A couple of clangs - one was, a fat man trying to be brave. That makes no sense because what is the one to the other? Other than that, maybe lose a few of the adjectives and zoom in on the fear and danger.
ReplyDeleteI completely concur with the "fat man trying to be brave" comments. That literally made me stop and laugh in the middle of an otherwise tense scene.
ReplyDeleteI also might question the phrase "His diaphragm burned." While, yes, that is the correct medical term for the muscle under the lungs, it might be unintentionally funny - especially to a younger audience.
I had a couple of questions about the space around them (questions which are probably raised by it being out of context). At the beginning, his "fingers groping for purchase" and "arms burn[ing] with fatigue" make me think he's in the middle of scaling a wall in this cave. Then he lets his arms drop and chills for a second - leading to a little "Huh? Wouldn't he fall?" from me. Again, I'm sure that's the result of the format.
Also agree with the comments about the moment where Cal is knocked off balance. It's aiming to be a very tense moment, but it wasn't quite there for me yet. I also wondered why the phrase "You don't know that..." (which is the type of phrase used to comfort someone) is accompanied by a gesture forceful enough to knock him off.
Definitely a very cool (sorry) setting - thanks for sharing!
I read YA then I was in a scene with what sounded like a couple middle aged people. I was lost. YA is not a genre - it is an audience. You still have to put mystery or adventure or thriller or fantasy etc so we know WTF is going on. I am not sure if I understood why a fat dude can't be brave - I think I read it twice but still could not get it. The description sounds like fantasy world-building which is really great but is happens in quiet moments - not in a tense situation like this one. SO, lose that. And, for all your emphasis on Cal being fat, the chick just reaches out and basically taps him bacl onto the ledge - not sure that is believable. But, an interesting choice of action for sure. Ice caves are def dangerous. But, would like to see some teenagers in a YA novel.
ReplyDeleteI too was thrown by the POV shifts. Didn't seem necessary. I really liked this: "Dinah felt sorry for Cal. Sorry that his wife had been abducted by a madman." Really got me wondering what was going on. Are they going through the cave to try and find Cal's wife? This raised the stakes for me and piqued my interest.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a good sense for the setting. Are they climbing on ice? How high up are they? How narrow of a path are they following? Not all of these questions need to be answered, but some hints would help create a more complete picture.
I liked the danger of being on the ledge and how it was described. I thought the over-description took away from it so I would consider removing some of the admittedly beauitful modifiers - only for this scene, I mean you could throw them in later or before. But, I really found myself interested in this throw together couple. I was very confused by the YA designation but maybe that was just an error in haste on the author's part.
ReplyDeleteChanging POV was a little disorientating for me too, particularly as they swapped so rapid. I also noticed there wasn't one 'said' (the invisible word) but all whispered or wheezed.
ReplyDeleteIt would have helped me a create an image in my head if there had been more 'showing' me what is happening. For example 'Dinah's forceful gesture' doesn't give me any clue as to how she nearly knocks him off the ledge.
I was also a little confused as I got the impression initially that they were climbing up the wall, but then she nearly knocks him off the ledge indicating that they 'won't know until they go down there'. So are they going up or down?
I don't think the protag is married, I think a comma issue caused the confusion in the intro:
ReplyDeleteLaurel Blue Stone has been kidnapped by a killer and her husband, Cal, and friend, Dinah, search for her in a dangerous New Mexican ice cave.
I think Laurel was kidnapped by a killer and the killer's husband while her friends Cal and Dinah search for her.
Having said that, a distant 3rd person narration is rarely seen in YA, or else this is just a basic POV/head-hopping issue. I have made similar mistakes in my early writing and all of it can be easily fixed by focusing on one character per chapter and perhaps alternating points of view that way.
Using fewer adjectives and stronger verbs will keep the tension where it needs to be, as others suggested already. Best of luck to this writer, I hope the feedback others gave has been helpful.
Wait, I think I'm wrong. I just re-read and saw Dinah worried that Cal's wife was abducted. Hmmm...
ReplyDelete