TITLE: Izzy Doyle and the Changelings of the Edgewood
GENRE: MG Fantasy
When twelve-year old Izzy’s little sister disappears, she follows her old neighbor, Marian, into Faerie to rescue her. Their first stop is the once grand, now decaying Netherbee Hall. In this scene, they’ve just decided to leave the eerie house.
Izzy and Marian stopped and stared at the front doors. A thick, white mat of cobwebs covered them from floor to ceiling.
“They weren’t like that before, were they?...” said Izzy, taking a step back.
She looked down at her feet. Though she couldn’t see any spiders, the webs spread steadily across the floor, reaching out for them with wispy tentacles.
Marian kicked at the cobwebs. Several tendrils whipped around her boot, and pulled it forward, knocking her off balance. The old woman drew a dirty gardening knife from its case on her belt and sliced through the webs. They dissolved like smoke, only to be replaced by a dozen more that lurched hungrily for her legs.
She jerked her foot away from them and staggered back, pulling Izzy with her. “Not this way! We’ll find another way out!”
They turned to go down the hall, but stopped again. The cobwebs had already crawled up the walls and knitted themselves into a pulsating curtain of lace that completely blocked the hallway.
“Up the stairs!” cried Marian, dragging Izzy by the arm.
They bolted up the crumbling steps, tripping over broken pieces of stone. Izzy looked over her shoulder. The entire floor where they had stood was now a solid sheet of white. The cobwebs writhed up the walls toward them. As she watched, the portrait of the faerie family disappeared under a thick film of gauze.
I think this is well written. I especially like the phrase "pulsating curtain of lace." However, I didn't get the sense of urgency from this scene, and I think it's because the description slowed down the flow. Maybe try shorter sentences and add in some emotion. How does Izzy feel while this is happening?
ReplyDeleteOooh, liked this one a lot. Your descriptive language is spot-on, and you created a dreamy, frightening mood in this passage. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rachel that the sense of urgency is muted, but I liked the atmospheric feel of the passage.
I think everything works in this scene. The description of the spiderwebs is easily visualized and you mix up ways of referring to them so it is always fresh. The small detail like the broken pieces of stone on the steps just adds to making a rich scene. Not that it matters - because this is just an exercise - but I would refer to Marian in your set up as an elderly neighbor because when you said 'old neighbor' I thought you meant former and then pictured Izzy and Marian as the same age. I then thought there was a 3rd person in the scene when you said "old woman". But, I thought it was very strong writing.
ReplyDeleteThis is very atmospheric and cool. The main thing that tripped me up was the first cobweb pulling Izzy's boot forward. Cobwebs are so tenuous and light, that I question them having the material strength to do such a thing. Also, 'cobweb' specifically means old and dusty spiderweb (and therefore likely fragile), which for faerie atmospherics is cool because it implies the rules of time don't quite apply. If, though, you want to imply something fresher, stickier, and stronger, you might just stick to 'spiderweb'.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. You drew a very complete picture in my mind of this happening.
ReplyDeleteTwo quibbles - first, lose the ellipsis after the question mark. I'm not sure if it would proper to have it as "were they...?"
Second, 'tripping' over stones makes me think they're actually falling down. 'Stumbling' might be better (though you probably don't want the unintentional rhyme of 'crumbling' and 'stumbling') here, unless you want one of them to trip, which could work.
Nice job.
yeah, ok, this was awesome. I don't know if there was anything technically wrong because I'm trying to make sure there aren't any spiderwebs crawling behind me. Oh ick, I really, really hate spiderwebs, more than spiders.
ReplyDeleteAwesome, kids will love this.
Ugh. Webs ... icky ick ick.
ReplyDeleteVery nice piece. Made my skin crawl just reading about those webs.
Ick.
Excellent level of detail. It might be too detailed for middle grade, slowing down the pace, as a couple other people noted. You may be unique in being criticized for having too much realistic detail.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was excellent description and I could see and feel this house filling up with spiderwebs. Excellent. The only thing wrong with MG writing is people who think MG'ers are not sophisticated enough to get it. MG and YA are just a publishing fiction. A lot of 12 and 14 year olds are reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz etc...so don't pay any attention to that. I read all the Harry Potter books and they - ostensibly for "children" are full of stuff like this, challenging description and words that send you scurrying to the dictionary. Respect your audience for the level they are capable of - not the level others are telling you to keep them at.
ReplyDeleteOooh, your descriptions were sooo great! Gave me chills and a feeling of eerieness! I think you can cut all the exclamation points because it cuts away from the dialogue itself.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "?..." should be "...?" Loved your descriptions, and if you are going for eerie action, you've got it down! Your voice and syntax actually drives the description, so it doesn't read like description, but action (if that makes sense). Nice job!
Excellent atmosphere. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the urgency is muted. I think this could be solved by strengthening the characters' emotional reactions. Whimpers. Gasps. Sweating. Trembles... perhaps.
Again, great sense of place.