TITLE: House of Thistles
GENRE: Women's Fiction
All Allie Baxter knows of her parents’ death are buried in the pitted burn scars on her stomach and in her nightmares. In this scene, she’s at a restaurant with her boyfriend and her daughter when someone at the next table over says something that triggers a panic-induced flashback.
At the table next to us, a little boy watched me instead of paying attention to his drink. The glass crashed to the floor, spilling his soda and soaking his plate, his pants, and the floor.
“Not again, Billy.” Billy’s father reached across the table with a napkin, and suddenly my world turned black and red.
My airway constricted. I stumbled backward into someone. Glass shattered behind me. Steven jumped up and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Excuse me.”
I turned to see who he spoke to, and a waiter was crouched down picking up a tray and broken pieces of glass.
“I need to get out of here.” I rushed away from Steven, out of the restaurant, and out into the parking lot. A horn sounded, and I fell to the pavement. Voices yelled. A lot of commotion went on around me, but I was drowning. My head was swimming, but with every breath I sucked in fire.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you. Are you alright?” A voice above the water and fire somehow reached me.
Trying to stand, I grabbed hold of something that felt like metal and dropped back into a fetal position, clutching my stomach.
“Let me call you an ambulance.”
Steven appeared at my side. “Allie, are you hurt?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t see her. She came out of nowhere.” The voice was frantic.
“Maxine? Where’s Maxine?” I patted the ground around me but didn’t open my eyes.
I liked this and found it an intriguing scene. It makes me curious (because of her over-reaction) to learn more about her parent's death and why she's so affected.
ReplyDeleteAs far as suggestions:
Try reading your dialogue aloud and make sure it flows. In some cases, going briefer might make it more snappy. (e.g., "Let me call you an ambulance." could be a more panicked, "I'm calling an ambulance.") Also consider whether the dialogue could be more personalized to each individual. As it is, the phrases seem somewhat generic.
I had two blocking suggestions: (a) when the boy's glass crashes to the floor but the liquid soaks his plate and pants, this confused me. You might revise this to indicate that the drink first spill on the table, then the glass crashes to the floor. (b) Is Allie sitting down? I thought she was at a table but then in paragraph 3, she "stumbled backward into someone" so she'd have to be standing. You could change this to indicate she pushed her chair away from the table and bumped into someone.
Did she get hit by a car outside? I didn't get that at first reading. Maybe emphasize the part about she ran outside and clarify what "I fell to the pavement" means.
These are easily fixable things, and, like I said, you've got me intrigued by the story and what's going to happen next. Nice job.
Very intense scene and a lot going on, which is good. To keep the scene snappier some of the label dialogue could come out, for example: "Billy’s father reached across the table with a napkin, and suddenly my world turned black and red." Seems kind of wordy with the word Billy used back to back, distracting.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments as far as the order of events, for clarity purposes. Maybe a little too dramatic in the way of words? "I was drowning" could come out, too.
But I was intrigued about what had happened to this poor girl and want to know more:)
I like the concept of this normal scene trigging a flashback but I agree with others about tightening some sentences.
ReplyDeleteIn another review I just posted, I warned the author about over-staging the movement in a scene -- but in your case, I do think you need to clarify that the MC was sitting, got up and then stumbled. And I didn't get that she was hit by a car until the quote "She came out of nowhere."
Eliminate *was* and *were* throughout.
I'm intrigued by these types of stories so would want to read much more.
First I have to say you have a killer title.
ReplyDeleteI pretty much agree with the previous commenters, so I'll only add a few things.
The word "his" occurs rather frequently (also "out" later) in the beginning - I suggest you lengthen this accident out anyway with a hint as to why it upsets the mc.
"airway" is vague - can you be more specific?
The sucking in fire - cool imagery, but it took me a minute to realize she feels it because of a flashback - can you clarify this?
As others mentioned, the car crash needs a lot of expansion. Perhaps the screech of brakes, the impact...even if it wasn't that serious of a hit, it needs more drama.
Who said "Let me call..."?
The mc can see Steven, but the driver of the car is disembodied. Can she see him too?
I'd like to know who is speaking before we launch into that last line. It would be a good spot to clarify that your mc is in an altered state. I also couldn't see how she could pat the ground around her while in a fetal position.
The comments from Christine hit the main things that jumped out at me. This is definitely a scene that calls for Allie to be lost in herself and only dimly aware of what's going on around her, but you need to still give the reader enough to stay in the scene.
ReplyDeleteFor example, maybe she doesn't register the fact that she got hit by a car, but maybe she hears the screech of tires, feels something hard slam into her, the stinging scrape of the asphalt. She clutches her stomach, but why? Is she in agony?
Very tense scene; there's a lot emotion here & all the images--water spilling, broken glass, fire (even though it's metaphorical), metal--combine to create a dark and dangerous mood.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if there's a reason the MC does not share or hint at what that flashback is before the end? Since it's told from her POV, it seemed like she would say what she was seeing since THAT is the thing that's driving her to be so disturbed that she runs in front of a car. As it is, all we have is "black and red" as her motivation.
Agree with previous posters who said get rid of was/were and that impact of car needs to be made apparent. I think it's effective that she doesn't realize she got hit, but with everything she's conscious of in the "I need to get out of here" paragraph, the impact would be noticed.
Overall, I'm intrigued by this spot in your book!
I agree that the action needs to be more point by point. The glass is on the floor yet his pants and plate are wet....so obviously that is not right. She stumbles bacwards yet she was sitting in a restuarant so she had to get up first. Little things like that take you out. But they are all fixable with attention. I am confident - at least I sure AH hope so, that the reader would know from reading your book to this point why she has a freak out. It is not so clear that she got hit by a car so you culd add a few words to make that explicit. Otherwise, a very good description - except that unless she is totally closed off to human interaction, her partner should be able to figure out what set her off. I had a buddy from HS come back from Iraq, and we all took him out for a meal when he got back and everything was fine...until someone in the kitchen dropped a bunch of metal trays....then he was under the table and eventually crying. So, I mean, I get you.....
ReplyDeleteI agree with a lot of the feedback above. I think you have the opportunity to make this more intense. For example: "A horn sounded, and I fell to the pavement." This doesn't convey the impact of being hit by a car -- the shear force and surprise. I also wasn't clear what "A voice above the water and fire somehow reached me." Is there really water and fire all around her or is this part of her flashback? It is intriguing, but confusing as is.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it. With some revision this will be very strong.