Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #39

TITLE: Dream Weaver
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

Seventeen-year-old orphan Megan begins dreaming for the first time which triggers events that only she seems to remember. Her life begins to unravel around her, and it isn’t until she meets uber-hot new guy Mason that she learns the truth: she has the power to make her dreams a reality, and there are people who will stop at nothing to make this power their own.

19 comments:

Janice Sperry said...

remove seems to and begins to. Let the action happen. Try this

Seventeen-year-old Megan (experiences this. Be specific) when her dreams come true. She has the power to turn her dreams into reality, and there are people who will stop at nothing to ....

I took the guy out because you don't want the action to hinge on him. It needs to hinge on Megan. You also need to say what Megan wants. (Please something other than the uber-hot new guy)

This is a pretty cool concept.

pinkelephant12 said...

I like this, but there are a few wording issues I had. Megan has her first dream ever at 17? I think that could be built up some more, it's unusual. If you must include Mason, I would describe him as something other than "uber-hot," it doesn't really fit with the rest of your tone. Why doesn't she learn the truth until she meets him? Describe his role rather than his hotness. What might the people do to her if she doesn't... (escape? run away? Stop them? Give up her powers?) Like Janice said, give Megan a goal.

Fairview said...

I like this. So she's never dreamed before? And how does Mason reveal the truth to her? Also a nit-pick but two names that start with M? Megan and Mason?

A.E. Martin said...

I think the main points of your story are conveyed but some of the wordiness can be tightened, I think you can take out "her life begins....around her" and instead use a one word adjective to describe the events so it conveys that it unravels her life or is something negative. Also "uber hot" makes me think of a light, cheerleader/high school type novel, which yours doesn't seem to be, so maybe a stronger sounding adjective to describe Mason would work better. Also a little bit about why Mason is the one who makes her realize her power could be worked in, what's different or special about him?

Becca said...

I like this, but I think "triggers events that only she can seem to remember" is not specific enough, especially considering the fact that it's something important enough that her life begins to unravel. This seems like a really important part of your novel--but the reader doesn't really have a sense for what it is.

I'm going to agree with pinkelephant 12; Mason's uber-hotness, no matter how awesome, is not really relevant at this point, and "uber" doesn't really work with the voice you've established in your logline.

Besides that, though, this is great, and definitely something I'd read.

Good luck!

skywriter said...

It sounds like a compelling story, but the first line is too vague. Maybe clarify along the lines of her nightime dreaming triggers daytime events. Also, I would definitely try to come up with two less similar names. Both start with M and have two syllables -- confusing, but easy to fix.

katherineamabel said...

The idea that her dreams trigger events only she remembers is intriguing, although slightly overshadowed by the question: why does someone not start dreaming until 17? Also some more conflict on a personal level would be great, i.e. if Mason is important enough to make the logline, surely he's either a bad guy or someone who will build romantic tension, so tease us with that. I'd read this : )

Rena said...

I like the premise of this. I can see that you could tighten this up a bit. Not knowing your story I'd try something like this:

When Megan has her first dream at 17 she's ecstatic, until it comes true. She has the power to make her dreams reality. Now (villain organization) wants her powers for themselves. To keep her (goal: freedom) she'll have to (overcome obstacle: undermine villain organization) or (consequences: be enslaved).

I know that probably won't work for your story, but you get the gist of it.

Good luck

Julianna Helms said...

This sounds interesting! I think, though, that maybe you can use stronger verbs that will hook the readers more. For example, when you say that it isn’t until she meets uber-hot new guy Mason that she learns the truth: she has the power to make her dreams a reality,, you could replace "that she learns the truth" with "the truth is exposed" or something like that. And the part that says and there are people who will stop at nothing to make this power their own., maybe you can be a bit more specific, or add a bit of a twist to that sentence, because that type of conflict is quite common, but if you can deliver it in a way that is original then this could really hook the reader. :) Great job!

Stephanie Thornton said...

This premise sounds really interesting! The other comments have covered most everything.

One little suggestion: "for the first time which triggers events" ... Could this be changed to something along the lines of "for the first time and triggers events?" The "which" part felt a little clunky.

Great concept!

tfwalsh said...

I quite like the premise of your story - imagine having your dreams come to life... both scary and good I suppose. I was curious though to know if she could control what she dreamed or whether every dream came to reality. Agree with the above comments, especially on the opening line - she did really just start dreaming for the first time?

Karennina said...

I like the premise of your story. I agree with the other commenters about wordiness. You can tighten this so that your hook shines even more.

Stephanie Diaz said...

I like the concept, just try to make the logline more concise. Be a little more specific. For example, your first sentence could be more like:

When seventeen-year-old orphan Megan dreams, she triggers (what kind of events?) no one else ever remembers.

Good luck! :)

Gea said...

I'd almost like a little worldbuilding here. What really intrigues me is that she doesn't start dreaming until she's seventeen - I'd read on based on this hook alone. But for a logline, you need more. Is this unique to Megan, or does nobody on this world dream? Now that she has the power to make her dreams come true, what is she going to do with it? More importantly, what do the people who want her power want to do with it? I'm guessing that they're not planning on having her dream world peace and care bears, but you should make that more explicit.

Rena Rossner said...

This is a bit too wordy for me in the beginning. Maybe start it like this:

"Megan's world..."

I also objected to the use of the word "uber" - this is YA and that's cool in the text - but your logline is looking for agents - not teen readers.

That's my reaction...

Holly Bodger said...

Sorry but are you saying that her dreams make ACTUAL events happen but no one else thinks they happen? Like she has a dream and then the next day, she sees a car explode but no one else sees it or believes it? If so, I don't understand the relationship between the dream and the events. Is she dreaming of the event that then occurs?

Either way, what goal does this give her? And how does Mr Uber-hot help or hinder her from reaching it?

Good luck!
Holly

staceylee said...

You could probably take out most of the middle section of your logline. . . tighten it up. Start with the nugget - Megan makes dreams a reality, a power people would kill for.

Lisa B. said...

Right now this is good. Punch up the beginning. It is a little vague. I would also like to know more about the threat to the MC and who the "people" are threatening to stop her. I like the reference to romance with Mason, but "uber-hot new guy" isn't working.

Keep playing with it. Love this idea.

Barbara said...

She dreams for the first time at 17. What's her reaction to that?

Her world starts to unravel (tell us why. Because she's dreaming? Because of what she dreams?)

How does she learn the truth when she meets hot-guy? What specifically happens?

And what does 'who will stop at nothing' mean. We can infer what you mean, but it would be better if you told us what it meant specifically. And who are these people?

Perhaps rewrite it using specifics rather than generalities.