TITLE: The Spark
GENRE: Young Adult
Seventeen year old Ellie Hawkins’ quiet life turns to extremes as reality collides with the celestial world in her favorite novel. When Ellie makes a birthday wish that the printed word come to life, she invites cosmic myth, adventure and love, manifesting her deepest desires. But when her dreams come true are unexpectedly threatened, she faces dangers that could bring the world to an explosive end, causing Ellie to confront inner and outer forces much larger than she imagined.
I stumbled on the third sentence, and had to read several times. I don't know if it's just a mistake or me. Story sounds interesting and I would read on. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI love this premise (how many times have we all wished to live in the world of a book!), but its a bit too long. I think you can safely sum it up in fewer worlds.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try something like:
When Ellie wishes her favorite novel into reality, it's up to her to save the world she made real.
I'm sure you can do it much better but you get the picture.
Good luck.
I got a little confused in the second sentence, because I don't understand who or what is manifesting her deepest desires. And in the third sentence, I don't know why the unraveling of herher dreams-come-true would cause the world's end. This has potential, but for it really to work we need those things clarified, which I think is going to require cutting some other parts. I'd imagine the "confront inner and outer forces" goal is too vague, as well, based on comments I'm reading here today (I totally sympathize with you on that one!).
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a great ride, but it does need some trimming. The first and second sentance could be squished together as, "17yr old Ellie Hawkins' quiet life turns upside down when her birthday wish to change the world into her favorite novel comes true."
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I like the last sentance and your use of inner and outer forces in conflict for Ellie.
Thank you all so far for commenting. The funny this is, this started out as one sentence, the two, but I thought, heck I have 150 words, I'll elaborate, forgetting of course the real idea of a logline.
ReplyDeleteHere is one of the originals:
Seventeen year old Ellie Hawkins’ quiet life turns to extremes as reality collides with the celestial world in her favorite novel. As her wishes come true and her new love is threatened, she faces dangers that could bring the world to an explosive end.
The following expressions are all too vague:
ReplyDelete-"turns to extremes"
-"manifesting her deepest desires"
-"unexpectedly threatened"
-"dangers that could bring the world to an explosive end"
-"inner and outer forces much larger than she imagined"
The point of this logline is to tell us what actually happens in your story that makes it unique, but instead, you've been vague enough to make it sound like everything else. You have to be specific.
Good luck!
Holly
The shorter version is definitely better but still a bit vague. How do her wishes-come-true threaten her new love? What specific danger is the world in?
ReplyDeleteCould be terrific with the right kind of detail. Good luck.
I agree with all the above comments that the premise is intriguing. However, the log-line is vague. Tell us what's REALLY at stake here and what Ellie's real conflict is.
ReplyDeleteI think that what you have here is really interesting, but a little bit confusing to read. I have a couple suggestions for clarifying what you have here--
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I don't think you need the first sentence--it just summarizes things you say later. Try starting with "When seventeen-year-old Ellie Hawkins wishes for her favorite novel to come to life..." (The birthday wish thing, to me, sounds a little bit young for a seventeen-year-old to take seriously; I'm 16 and I still make them, but I never expect them to work. =)
The second part of the second sentence is also less important--we can figure out that her wish represents her deepest desires; otherwise, why would she wish it? Also, in regards to "celestial world" in the previous sentence and "cosmic myth" in this one, what exactly are we talking about? My best guess is angels, but I could be wrong... Again, this could be clarified a little bit--but only if it's necessary to this logline. If it's not, you can probably just leave out the references to the celestial/cosmic things and avoid confusing the reader.
In the next sentence, I think you should hyphenate "dreams come true" (as "But when her dreams-come-true are unexpectedly...") just for clarity, because otherwise it's confusing. I initially read the sentence and thought that "come" was the verb, and was thrown by the actual verb ("are") that comes two words later. If you don't like the hyphens, then you could just put "and" between "true" and "are", which would make the sentence read more easily, since "come" would then be used as a verb like the reader would expect.
In the same sentence, I think you have an opportunity to clear up some vagueness that's potentially confusing. Threatened by what? What dangers? I would reword "confront inner and outer forces much larger than she imagined"; it doesn't tell us very much. We already know she's confronting outer forces that she couldn't have dreamed of--after all, a book just came to life, and now there are dangers that could end the world that she has to contend with. As for "inner forces"--what is this? Internal conflict?
Other than those things, though--this seems really interesting, and definitely the sort of book I'd read. Good luck!
PS--One quick question: I noticed that the genre is listed simply as "Young Adult". Young Adult what? Contemporary, fantasy, paranormal, romance...? (From what you have here, I would hazard a guess at urban fantasy or paranormal.)
I agree that the original is much better. The one you posted for the logline was a bit confusing and had a little too much information.
ReplyDeleteI suggest maybe combining some elements of the longer logline into the shorter line. LOL. Then, that'll solve the problem of the longer one being too long/confusing and the shorter one being to vague.
Becca-
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so thorough and forth-coming with your thoughts and suggestions. Knowing that you're among my target audience makes your imput so valuable. I thank everyone who has taken the time to comment and find this very useful!
~Dee
Try cutting every adjective and adverb. Then sprinkle them back in sparingly. You have a good premise but it needs some tightening and clarification.
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for everyone taking the time to read and comment. Here is a preliminary edit, it isn't necessarily shorter, but less vague:
ReplyDeleteSeventeen year old Ellie Hawkins’ quiet life turns to extremes as reality collides with the celestial world in her favorite novel. Ellie finds true love in Elan, a member of the House of Polaris, the celestial guardians of earth. When the Spark that unites them is threatened by Lucien, Ellie faces dangers that could bring the world to an explosive end, causing her to confront inner and outer forces much larger than she imagined.
I definitely liked the original better, too. It does still seem vague, but I think if you add some specifics, you've got a strong logline!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
MaDonna
The problem, I think, is that you're using language that doesn't say anything.
ReplyDeleteHer quiet life turns to extremes as reality collides with the celestial world in her favorite novel.
What are the extremes? Hot and cold? Love and hate? Night and day? It could mean anything.
her deepest desires - you have the same issue. They could be anything. You may know what they are, but the reader doesn't.
I'd suggest breaking this down to it's simplest terms and stating things plainly.
Ellie makes a birthay wish.
She wants the fictional world of her book to become reality.
It happens.
Then that world is threatened by (say who or what.)
Which causes danger (say what the danger is. Pick the most extreme one.)
Now Ellie must confront (say specifically what it is, rather than 'inner and outer forces' which, again, could be anything.)
And then add what happens (in concrete terms, rather than vague generalities) if she fails.
Now take those elements and create your log line using specifics rather than generalities.