This is perhaps a bit too short on information necessary to hook me. What is it about the cryptic message? Something must happen to indicate it is significant and gets them caught up in an intrigue. Include something of that in your second line to hook me otherwise I have no idea why I should care. Good luck!
I like this as a Twitter pitch. But since you have more room consider adding a few details--is there danger? is his wife working with him? is he reluctant, happy, afraid to work with the CIA? Consider a different verb than 'falls'. It threw me off for a second.
I also think it could use some more details. The clock with the cryptic message doesn't necessarily force him to be involved--what is it that actually brings him in?
Good start but we also need to know what this incites him to want, how he tries to get it and how/who tries to stop him. Finally, give us a reason to care by adding some stakes.
Wow. I was thinking shorter was better. I got schooled! Anyway, here is the rest if anyone's interested. Thanks so much for your comments.
A man steps into the secretive world of the CIA after his wife buys a clock with a confession of murder scrawled on the back. Learning the writer is an old friend, the couple scramble to stop him from killing again. But they suspect the murder was anything but typical, and when the CIA gets involved, they're sure of it.
Loglines are meant to entice the reader (i.e. agent) into wanting more so it has to "wow" them with very few words. Hard to do, I know...your revision is much better, but I would suggest wording that will evoke some emotion or insight to make the reader care enough about your main character, which I'm guessing is the pilot/man ... Best of luck
This is a great one sentence description and I would suggest keeping it just this way when you're called to pull it out. However for this purpose since you have the availability of many more words, try and create a few more sentences to really hook us. I like the idea of talking more about the cryptic message or giving more information about your airline pilot.
This is perhaps a bit too short on information necessary to hook me. What is it about the cryptic message? Something must happen to indicate it is significant and gets them caught up in an intrigue. Include something of that in your second line to hook me otherwise I have no idea why I should care. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNot enough info for me either. I would like to at least have a hint about the cryptic message.
ReplyDeleteI like this as a Twitter pitch. But since you have more room consider adding a few details--is there danger? is his wife working with him? is he reluctant, happy, afraid to work with the CIA? Consider a different verb than 'falls'. It threw me off for a second.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have more information, too.
ReplyDeleteI also think it could use some more details. The clock with the cryptic message doesn't necessarily force him to be involved--what is it that actually brings him in?
ReplyDeleteGood start but we also need to know what this incites him to want, how he tries to get it and how/who tries to stop him. Finally, give us a reason to care by adding some stakes.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This does not tell me enough. I need to know more to make me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteYou only have one sentence. You could stretch it to three.
Who are the bad guys? Why does he want to get involved? What does he risk with his involvement?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Merliniana re: airline pilot falls, I thought his plane fell when I first read it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great premise, but needs more fleshing out as to the depth and area of conflict - homeland security, CIA secret codes?
It's a great hook - just bait us a bit more.
And then what?
ReplyDeleteDoes someone come looking for it? And what makes the pilot get involved? Why not give it back or throw it away or hang it on the wall?
And once he's involved, how does he plan to get out? What will happen if he doesn't get out?
Great start. What happens next? I'm thinking maybe two more lines this length. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWow. I was thinking shorter was better. I got schooled! Anyway, here is the rest if anyone's interested. Thanks so much for your comments.
ReplyDeleteA man steps into the secretive world of the CIA after his wife buys a clock with a confession of murder scrawled on the back. Learning the writer is an old friend, the couple scramble to stop him from killing again. But they suspect the murder was anything but typical, and when the CIA gets involved, they're sure of it.
I've read your first one and your second one. Still a few questions. How do the wife and pilot know the friend will kill again?
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence is a bit redundant since we already know the CIA is involved. A bit more rewording and tweaking should help.
Loglines are meant to entice the reader (i.e. agent) into wanting more so it has to "wow" them with very few words. Hard to do, I know...your revision is much better, but I would suggest wording that will evoke some emotion or insight to make the reader care enough about your main character, which I'm guessing is the pilot/man ... Best of luck
ReplyDeleteThis is a great one sentence description and I would suggest keeping it just this way when you're called to pull it out. However for this purpose since you have the availability of many more words, try and create a few more sentences to really hook us. I like the idea of talking more about the cryptic message or giving more information about your airline pilot.
ReplyDelete