Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 2 #17

TITLE: Son of Gears
GENRE: MG Boys Clockpunk

When twelve-year-old Tobias Gearson’s grandfather dies, he inherits the responsibility of maintaining the clockwork of Farskeep. But when the gears mechanism begins to run down, threatening the city’s deep well system, Tobias must leave the city and enter the Wastes to search for the lost key to wind the clockwork and save his home. His only companions on this journey are a run-down automaton and his enemy, Hector Dumpson. The clock is ticking.

10 comments:

  1. Lots of opportunity for conflict in this. I think you need to shorten it and get it into two sentences. There is a lot of backstory in this that could be excluded. Ex. the inheriting the responsibility from his grandfather when he dies. But lots of promise in this and a good hook.

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  2. I agree with Azimuth that this would be stronger if you cut it down. Here's my off-the-cuff stab at it: "When twelve-year-old Tobias Gearson inherits the responsibility of maintaining the clockwork of Farskeep, it isn't long before the gears begin to fail. Tobias must leave the city and search the Wastes for the lost key to wind the clockwork and save his home." (I liked the last line, but it seems almost too obvious to include in a logline about clockwork.)

    Two other quick notes: I'm not sure about "Boys Clockpunk" as a genre description. I think just "MG steampunk" would work just as well and be a little more familiar. Also, if you decide to keep the line about the gears, you need to add an apostrophe in there somewhere (either "gear's mechanism" or "gears' mechanism," depending on how many gears you're talking about).

    Good luck with this!

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  3. This sounds like a really interesting story, but this is more of a dust jacket blurb than a logline. Like the previous commenters, I think you'd be better served by cutting out some of the backstory here.

    For example, something like:

    Twelve-year old Tobias Gearson has inherited the responsibility of maintaining the clockwork of Farskeep. When the mechanism begins to run down, Tobias must search the Wastes for the lost key to save his home.

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  4. The inciting incident here is inheriting the responsibility so I think you can re-word your first line to, "When 12yo Tobias inherits the..." and then tell us what he has to do which is his goal (I think this is keep it running so the city will have deep wells and so his home will be safe but I honestly don't know how these are connected). Once you have established what he wants and why he wants it, you can give the part about him entering the Wastes with the companions and then you need to wrap up with something that shows us why it is going to be hard for him to find the key.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  5. I agree with many of the other comments... Foxfyre's example for tightening this up was good.

    You're on the right track, but the last two sentences are unecessary. With a few of these changes, this will be great!

    I love this unique story premise but I would choose a more main stream genre. Middle Grade Steampunk makes more sense.

    Good luck :)

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  6. Great ideas here and a good read from your description. I think the Wastes need to have a describing word - perilous or dangerous - something along those lines. As well, if you're going to mention that he has to go with his enemy Hector - why? Does Hector have a code, know some fancy things our hero doesn't? If you're mentioning this, we need a bit more 'why' in there.

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  7. I agree about the shorter versions. This is more a book blurb than log line. But I also think you need something more.

    Why is finding the key imperative? Why can't they just make another key? Why does it have to be the original key?

    And what if he fails? The town can just move somewhere else, so again, there needs to be something more dire at stake.

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  8. I really liked how and what you wrote. The voice is strong and clear. It gives a good sense of what to expect from your writin style. However, for the purpose of writing a logline, I also liked foxfyre's suggestion. This logline business of condensing thousands of pages down to a few sentences is more difficult than writing the entire book!
    You did a great job, the subject rings "unique"- good luck!

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  9. This logline has great mood! Not sure if that's something a logline is supposed to have, but I really feel the clockworky steampunky vibe from this. The ideas for condensing it above are all good suggestions to consider - I'd definitely simplify "Tobias must leave the city and enter the Wastes to search for the lost key to wind the clockwork and save his home." There are so many objects in that phrase I get lost.

    Best of luck!

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  10. There have been some great comments here, and I agree with them (especially the genre classification).

    Here's my version of a revision:

    Twelve-year-old Tobias Gearson inherits the responsibility to maintain the clockwork of Farskeep and keep the city's well system running. When the gear mechanism runs down, Tobias must team up with his worst enemy and a run-down automaton and enter the Wastes, to find the lost mechanism's key in order to save his home.

    That's still rough, but hopefully it helps a little.

    Good Luck!

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