When some cockamamie scientist resurrects a Jap instead of her dead cousin, twelve-year-old Ella Mae has to learn the hard way what it means to be a friend.
I would name the cockamamie scientist and get rid of the word "some." Also - who is related to whom here? Is Ella Mae friends/cousins with scientist? Who is the dead cousin? What is the hard way that Ella has to learn?
For the love of cheese, PLEASE tell me that "a Jap" does not mean a person from Japan. If it does, please say that. While this may be what the scientist calls this person in your novel, this kind of racial slur does not belong in a logline.
As for the rest, "has to learn the hard way....friend" is not a tangible goal. Who is she trying to be friends with and why is it going to be hard? And why does it matter?
I agree with Holly. Even if there are characters in the book who use that slur - and I'm guessing this is WWII era, so many people did - to see it in a logline is incredibly jarring. I would understand Ella Mae's feelings just as well if you said "Japanese man," since readers will know that they were considered 'the enemy' at that time.
IF this story takes place during WWII - state it right away, "Its the middle of WWII when 12 yr old Ella Mae desperately hires X, a cockamamie scientist to resurrect her deceased cousin, X2. Things go horribly wrong when the experiment mistakenly revives a Japanese POW instead of X2. Ella Mae must dig deep to let go of prejudice and learn what it truly takes to be a friend." (I threw in the POW - is he? If so, great conflict and mention it.)
This doesn't say a whole lot. WHo is this scientist and where and how does does Ella find him? How does she know there's a person or machine that can revive the dead?
Then perhaps tell us what happens in the story specifically so we can see what the conflict and problems are.
And perhaps say Japanese soldier or whatever his profession is, and omit cockamamie. I thought Ginger in the post before mine provied a nice template to work with.
Most of the items I was going to raise have already been covered but I am concerned about the disconnect between the two parts of the sentence. I don't see enough causality, possibly because there are no relationships established here, except the tenuous one between the dead cousin and the MC. I also would like more information about the friend.
Sounds fun - agree with other comments about "Jap" - could it be stated as an Enemy soldier (do we have to know he's Japanese in the logline?). Ginger Tsang's comments are great.
I just wanted to say that I never intended to offend by including the term "Jap." I was just trying to be true to the language of the story, but perhaps it would be better to err on the side of discretion when dealing with a logline.
"When some cockamamie scientist regenerates a Japanese instead of her dead cousin, twelve-year-old Ella Mae shakes off the prejudice of her nineteen-fifties town to become his friend. What she doesn’t realize is that her newfound friend may have also been her cousin’s killer."
The problem with saying 'some cockamamie scientist' is that it makes it feel like this guy is a throw away character. His soul purpose is to bring someone back to life and then he's out of the picture. (He may not be, but that's the impression those words give me) And it makes me wonder how Ella ever meets him?
And 'regenerates a Japanese' begs the question Japanese what? Use Japanese as an adjective, and give us a noun after it. Is he a dentist, a POW, a nuclear physicist? Adding the noun will make him stand out a bit more. Otherwise, he's as vague and bland as the scientist.
I wasn't entirely sold on the first version, but I love what you did in the revised one a couple comments up. I think that's much more clear and concise! Nice way to take the feedback and run with it!
This sounds great! Nice voice in the logline too. I'm wondering why they were trying to resurrect someone--love sci fi.
ReplyDeleteI would name the cockamamie scientist and get rid of the word "some." Also - who is related to whom here? Is Ella Mae friends/cousins with scientist? Who is the dead cousin? What is the hard way that Ella has to learn?
ReplyDeleteFor the love of cheese, PLEASE tell me that "a Jap" does not mean a person from Japan. If it does, please say that. While this may be what the scientist calls this person in your novel, this kind of racial slur does not belong in a logline.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest, "has to learn the hard way....friend" is not a tangible goal. Who is she trying to be friends with and why is it going to be hard? And why does it matter?
Good luck!
Holly
I do like the voice in this one and it sounds like a unique story, however, I agree with Holly. You need to reword this so as not to offend anyone...
ReplyDeleteAlso, what are the concequences here for your MC? The goal is not clear either. If you can establish both of those, your logline will be much stroger.
Good Luck :)
I agree with Holly. Even if there are characters in the book who use that slur - and I'm guessing this is WWII era, so many people did - to see it in a logline is incredibly jarring. I would understand Ella Mae's feelings just as well if you said "Japanese man," since readers will know that they were considered 'the enemy' at that time.
ReplyDeleteIF this story takes place during WWII - state it right away, "Its the middle of WWII when 12 yr old Ella Mae desperately hires X, a cockamamie scientist to resurrect her deceased cousin, X2. Things go horribly wrong when the experiment mistakenly revives a Japanese POW instead of X2. Ella Mae must dig deep to let go of prejudice and learn what it truly takes to be a friend." (I threw in the POW - is he? If so, great conflict and mention it.)
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't say a whole lot. WHo is this scientist and where and how does does Ella find him? How does she know there's a person or machine that can revive the dead?
ReplyDeleteThen perhaps tell us what happens in the story specifically so we can see what the conflict and problems are.
And perhaps say Japanese soldier or whatever his profession is, and omit cockamamie. I thought Ginger in the post before mine provied a nice template to work with.
Most of the items I was going to raise have already been covered but I am concerned about the disconnect between the two parts of the sentence. I don't see enough causality, possibly because there are no relationships established here, except the tenuous one between the dead cousin and the MC. I also would like more information about the friend.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Sounds fun - agree with other comments about "Jap" - could it be stated as an Enemy soldier (do we have to know he's Japanese in the logline?). Ginger Tsang's comments are great.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I never intended to offend by including the term "Jap." I was just trying to be true to the language of the story, but perhaps it would be better to err on the side of discretion when dealing with a logline.
ReplyDeleteBack to the drawing board.
Any better?
ReplyDelete"When some cockamamie scientist regenerates a Japanese instead of her dead cousin, twelve-year-old Ella Mae shakes off the prejudice of her nineteen-fifties town to become his friend. What she doesn’t realize is that her newfound friend may have also been her cousin’s killer."
The problem with saying 'some cockamamie scientist' is that it makes it feel like this guy is a throw away character. His soul purpose is to bring someone back to life and then he's out of the picture. (He may not be, but that's the impression those words give me) And it makes me wonder how Ella ever meets him?
ReplyDeleteAnd 'regenerates a Japanese' begs the question Japanese what? Use Japanese as an adjective, and give us a noun after it. Is he a dentist, a POW, a nuclear physicist? Adding the noun will make him stand out a bit more. Otherwise, he's as vague and bland as the scientist.
I'm not really excited about it, I'm left a little confused as to why this happened and why it matters to her.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't entirely sold on the first version, but I love what you did in the revised one a couple comments up. I think that's much more clear and concise! Nice way to take the feedback and run with it!
ReplyDelete