TITLE: SEASON OF THE SOULLESS
GENRE: YA Near-Future Science Fiction
When a nineteen-year-old clone with a faultless memory and rapid self-healing abilities escapes her lab into a world where extremists rally for the eradication of her kind, her quest for revenge against the scientists who tortured her and murdered her sisters becomes a deadly struggle to save the lives of the still-captive clones.
This idea is fantastic. I really think you should change this into two sentences though. I also don't think you need the "with a faultless memory and rapid self-healing abilities" for the logline. Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds interesting. I just have a few suggestions to clean it up a bit. I'm not sure how important her abilities are to the logline. Maybe skip that and add a small detail about the lab from which she escapes. Referring to it as "her" lab makes it seem more benign. She's a clone escaping from a lab where she was tortured. I think the sentence about extremists is fine without change - makes sense that extremists might want to destroy clones regardless of any special abilities she might have. I would separate this into two sentences, as well. Her escape into danger is a distinct conflict from her desire for revenge. In that vein, I might rethink the use of "struggle," or at least clarify what the struggle is. I'm not sure if she's struggling with specific persons or between competing desires (namely revenge and saving the other clones). It wasn't clear to me whether the two would be mutually exclusive.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that caught my attention was the age of the clone. I once queried a manuscript with a nineteen-year-old protagonist, and fully half of the rejections I received on my partials and fulls were simply, "The character's too old for YA." Does she have to be nineteen? Could she be seventeen or even eighteen instead?
ReplyDeleteAs for the logline itself, I think you've given us a lot of good information in a small amount of space. The trick now will be to cut out those elements that aren't absolutely essential. Like ilima mentioned, I don't think you need the clause "with a faultless memory and rapid self-healing abilities," and I'd also cut "her lab" and "and murdered her sisters." So now we're left with, "When a nineteen-year-old clone escapes into a world where extremists rally for the eradication of her kind, her quest for revenge against the scientists who tortured her becomes a deadly struggle to save the lives of the still-captive clones."
But when I say it like that, quite a few of the plot elements remind me of Neal Shusterman's UNWIND. You might want to check it out, if you haven't already, just so you can make sure to set your manuscript apart.
Good luck with this. It sounds like the sort of book I'd like to read.
I agree with Krista - 19 is borderline for YA.
ReplyDeleteAs for the logline, this is WAY too much information for one line. First, we need to know why she escapes. If it is for revenge, then your story is actually incited by whatever happens that makes her WANT revenge since that is her goal. Having said that, you do need to be more specific than "revenge" as that is not tangible. What does she actually want to do? Kill the scientists? Cook their livers and serve them with a nice '03 bottle of Chard?
Once you have established the motivation and goal, you can tell us how she will try to achieve her goal and why it will be difficult. Finally, wrap up with the consequences of her not achieving it.
Good luck!
Holly
First things first: this sounds freaking awesome and I want to read it.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to disagree with what a couple of others have said... I think her motivation for escaping is fairly obvious (they're torturing her!) and I think "and murdered her sisters" is important, as it establishes why the still-captive clones are in so much danger (the scientists have killed once, and might do so again).
But her goal could use some clarification, yes. Maybe word it as "her quest to _____ the scientists" and fill that in with "kill" or "expose" or whatever her actual plan is.
Great job packing so much information in so few sentances. I think the whole debate about faultless memory and rapid self-healing abilities could be shortchanged to "special abilities" - this way you still say she's got something extra without bogging us down in details. I do agree the revenge needs to be specified though.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, she sounds like she's very alone in her fight for justice. Does she have a side-kick? Another escapee who teams up with her or helps her? If so, mentioning them would be a good idea.
Thank you all for your help. I whipped up this revised version. Is this better?
ReplyDeleteWhen an eighteen-year-old clone escapes captivity during a bombing that kills her sisters, she sets out on a mission to both murder the leaders of the company responsible and free the clones in the other high-security labs before more bombings take place.
I love this idea, but I agree that it could be condensed.
ReplyDeleteThe pertinent information is that she's a clone with a grudge facing extermination.
Still good job, and good luck.
I like the second version better. The first one was all over the place. My only questions here would be 'responsible for what?' The cloning or the bombing? And perhaps say who the bombers are (if she knows) so it's clear she's dealing with two distinct groups.
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds awesome, but written as one sentence, there are too many elements vying for attention. Try breaking it up so the reader isn't gasping for air by the end of it.
ReplyDeleteThe premise sounds awesome, but written as one sentence, there are too many elements vying for attention. Try breaking it up so the reader isn't gasping for air by the end of it.
ReplyDelete