Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #12

TITLE: SILENCE
GENRE: YA/Paranormal

SILENCE is about sixteen-year-old Sage, who is tortured by the souls of the dead that have haunted her mind and her sketchbook for four years. When she meets a strange boy at the local art store, the souls fall quiet and she catches a glimpse of the normal life she could hold again. When the boy offers her a deal – her soul for her sanity – Sage must figure out if she’s willing to pay the price for the silence she craves.

11 comments:

Heather Hawke said...

There's some extraneous information that can be weeded out.

I'm trying this using the formula:
Sixteen-year old Sage is haunted by ghosts who are driving her insane. A boy silences the dead souls but he has a price, her soul.

That's not right either, but I've tried to strip out the non-essentials like the sketchbook and art store as well as some redundancies.

You've got some good stakes here! You've got me wondering whether this boy is the devil (though I don't think you need to say in your logline)

martintj said...

I agree with Heather Hawke. You are approaching the logline as a casual conversation about your story and you need to condense it into a line for a book jacket.
"Tortured by the souls of the dead, sixteen-year-old Sage gets a reprieve when she meets a strange boy who can quiet her mind, but it doesn't come without a price." etc.

KimberlyFDR said...

Think about your logline as going on the back of a book jacket. Get right to the point. "Sixteen year old Sage has been tortured by the souls of the dead for four years. When a young boy silences the voices, he offers her a deal: her soul for her sanity. Is it a deal she's willing to take?"

R.A.Desilets said...

Agreed with above - try to avoid "is about" or "who is" and use more active speaking. Other than that, you have a great hook and a good premise :)

Ruth said...

I can't add anything to the editing suggestions, just wanted to say I like the premise. Good luck :)

Holly Bodger said...

The first line could be a lot stronger if you really nailed her goal. Try something like, "All sixteen-year-old Sage wants is to silence the dead who have haunted her for years." (Although I'd suggest something more specific about HOW they haunt her).

Next, you need to be more clear about how the boy changes everything. If she is hearing constant voices, then tells us that they go quiet the moment he is around. As written, I was thinking that they only spoke to her sketchbook and couldn't figure out why she was sketching at the art store.

Finally, I would suggest a tad more information about what it means for her to give up her soul. What is this price? Will she go to Hell? Die in 5 years?

Good luck!
Holly

Barbara said...

I think if you condense this per the previous suggestions, it will work pretty well. But you might also say what the price is. WHat does giving up her soul mean?

Ramona Dark said...

Agree to edit the conversational tone out. The basics here sound very fascinating though. What about something like 'When Sage Lastname, a sixteen-year old tortured by the souls of the dead, meets a strange boy who offers her...she struggles to decide if...' Just boil it down to the main struggle. Good luck!

EmilyR said...

I like your title a lot, but omitting it from the logline and tightening it up as suggested above will make your story line really pop.

Anonymous said...

Great premise here, but this sounds more like a query blurb than a logline. Tighten this down to just a quick intro of the characters, the main struggle and the stakes. Nice job

Ailsa said...

It needs a little tightening up.
"Tormented by the souls of the dead she can hear, 16 year old Sage" might be a better start. I don't think you need to have the fact that it's been 4 years - while that might be important in the story, at the moment I don't think it's necessary.
I also think you could cut "for the silence she craves" off the end to make it a little shorter.