Wednesday, April 13, 2011

April Secret Agent #15

TITLE: Here Lies The Bride
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery

I could think of lots of things I would rather be doing on a late spring afternoon in Moonstone Beach than putting the final touches on the wedding of socialite Lora Leigh Avery. As if to spite me, a pin pierced through my finger when I fixed a rogue piece of tule on the end of a pew of the First Presbyterian Church. A drop of blood formed a tiny bead, and I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped it away.

"Everything is beautiful, Sarah." Naomi set down a bouquet of gardenias. "You gonna be okay?"

I knew she wasn't just referring to my finger, and I loved that about her. "It's been two years Mimi. I'm fine."

She took a step closer, and I admired the way her newly styled short brown hair brushed the collar of her white button-up shirt. Snug dark jeans finished off the outfit and flattered her curvy figure. A bright purple pashmina, a favor from the recent Jansen-Hancock wedding, set her apart.

"Did you see Samantha Jane?" She whispered.

She was referring to the Samantha Jane, star of televisions hair salon drama Cutting Edge and it girl of the moment. She was also the maid of honor du jour.

"I did," I whispered back. "But today is about Lora. Let's just get this done, and you can get an autograph later, I promise."

Naomi rolled her eyes at me. "She's probably a witch anyway."

10 comments:

Sarah Too said...

i really liked this. I really enjoyed the voice and the dialogue betwen the two characters. It seemed very natural. The only thing i had an issue with (and it was a small issue) was i felt the first sentence was a little long and could be tightened.
Good job!

jsfrog said...

I love the title and your writing is solid. I would keep reading. :)

Barbara said...

I liked this. I have an idea who your MC is and she seems to have a problem, which I wish you had stated (better to have us read on because we want to see how she handles/solves the problem than read on just to find out what the problem is.) My thought is that the groom will be someone she once dated and was perhaps in love with? And I'm hoping that pinprick and drop of blood come into play later.

I thought you could do without the description of Naomi's outfit, after all, tomorrow she'll be wearing something else. It really doesnt matter. And you could cut -

She was referring to the Samantha Jane, star of televisions hair salon drama Cutting Edge and it girl of the moment. She was also the maid of honor du jour.

She knows this and naomi knows it, so why does she need to say it? (So the reader will know.) Let the reader know by the things they say in their conversation rather than stopping the story to tell the reader something.

I'd give it a few more pages.

Sarah said...

I enjoyed this and am cautiously hooked.

I'm not sure you need the paragraph describing Mimi's clothes but if you do, a couple of thoughts: If the jeans finish off the outfit, why mention the pashmina afterwards? Wouldn't that be the finishing touch? Also, what does the pashmina set her apart from?

I like the title, and the fact that this is a paranormal mystery makes me hopeful that it's more than just a 'one that got away' story. I would like to read more.

Emily Lavin Leverett said...

I thought this was interesting. Being way nitpicky here, but the pin didn't pierce through the finger, that implies all the way. It just pierced it. :) I did think the description of Naomi was out of place. It made me wonder, with words like "snug" if they were lovers. If they are, that's cool and interesting. I do want to know what happened two years ago, and what's coming up.

rhea said...

I liked this, but it needs some tightening.

I knew she wasn't just referring to my finger. (, and I loved that about her. Not deeded, I think,) "It's been two years (comma)Mimi. I'm fine."

She took a step closer, and I admired the way her newly styled short brown hair brushed the collar of her white button-up shirt. Snug dark jeans finished off the outfit and flattered her curvy figure. A bright purple pashmina, a favor from the recent Jansen-Hancock wedding, set her apart. (Apart from what?)

"Did you see Samantha Jane?" (S) she whispered.

(She was referring to the) Samantha Jane is the star of televisions hair salon drama Cutting Edge and it girl of the moment. She was also the maid of honor du jour.

"I did," I whispered back. "But today is about Lora. Let's just get this done, and you can get an autograph later, I promise."

Naomi rolled her eyes at me. "She's probably a witch anyway."

I like the MC's voice. I would read more.

Ella Slayne said...

I would read on! :-) I like the relationship you have created between Sarah and Naomi. And I'm curious to know more.
Personally I would keep the whole line:
"I knew she wasn't just referring to my finger, and I loved that about her." I think it's a nice detail which reveals something about their friendship. Just a small thing - but I like it! :-)

Secret Agent said...

I think I'd keep reading. I thought the voice was pleasant. I'm curious to know where this is going, both because of whatever it was that happened two years ago, and because this is going to turn "paranormal." Perhaps that "she's probably a witch anyway" is foreshadow?

There are some places where you can tighten this. For example, you can cut "through" from the line about her being punctured by the tack. It's an necessary preposition.

Also, instead of explaining to the reader that Samantha Jones is the star of cutting edge, why not have Naomi and Sarah explain it through dialogue?

Melinda said...

Needs some editing/tightening, but the other commenters have already pointed out most of what I noticed. The description of Naomi seemed off to me too, unless she's more than just a friend.

Spiral said...

This has promise, I think, but there are a couple of typos you will want to clean up before you start submitting ...

"She was referring to the Samantha Jane, star of televisions hair salon drama Cutting Edge and it girl of the moment. She was also the maid of honor du jour."

"televisions" should be "television's" P(possessive grammar) and "and it girl of the moment" I think you meant "and the girl of the moment?" Yes? Sorry, but I'm a stickler for grammar. Good luck!