Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #14

TITLE: Savage Jungle
GENRE: Middle-grade science fiction

When twelve-year-old Keith and his uncle become stranded in an alien jungle full of seven of the most lethal creatures in the universe, they must find an abandoned research facility and alert the authorities to their predicament, unaware of an unknown animal lurking nearby that happens to be the most dangerous of all.

12 comments:

Shannon said...

I liked this, I'd read it. My one suggestion is to have something a little more descriptive than "unknown animal."

Tami said...

I ... am wobbly on this one.

I think it's missing active-feeling-ness (okay, lame, I know, I know. Just bear with me)

Instead of "become stranded" or "must find" how about "must fight their way through"?

Currently, I'm more interested in the lurking animal than I am the kid and his uncle.

Hopefully that made at least a little sense. (clearly, I need more coffee)

Jess said...

I think this sounds really cool! As is, Keith and his uncle have equal weight and emphasis...is it possible to leave the uncle out of the logline? It wouldn't technically be lying, and it would make the focus solely on Keith. Just a thought...

Huntress said...

The conflict is clear but to really hook 'em, you need a voice.

Holly Bodger said...

First of all, you need to split this into two sentences. It's way too much for one plus the "unaware..." part is referring to the predicament being unaware and not the characters.

Next, I feel like it's missing the "why should we care" information. Yes, they are risking their lives but that's kinda blah. We need a bit more to the consequences such as what else will happen if they die. Will the unknown animal go on to kill the rest of the universe?

Ariana Richards said...

I like the content. I like what you have to say and how you're conveying it. My only suggestion would be to rearrange some of your thoughts so you can make into two or three sentences. Including maybe putting the bit about the unknown animal in the middle instead of at the end.

Barbara said...

Sounds like Jurassic Park to me. And it does sound as though it needs more. Yes, they want to save their lives, but is it just escaping they want? Do they decide they need to destroy these animals before they leave, or maybe destroy the entire planet? Otherwise, it's just one long chase scene.

DJ said...

Actually, it sounds like an old Jonny Quest episode to me (okay, showing my age) but that's a good thing, as young boys dig that kinda stuff.

I'd like to see this tightened up, mainly the last part, which is a bit clunky, but it does sound like a fun read.

theflightytemptress said...

As is, I'm not seeing how this could be a book. They're running from animals. And? I get their goal, that's cool, but... I dunno. Is the only conflict between them and the scary scary animals?

Also, you’re trying to put too much information here, and it’s making me confused. I think you can cut “seven of the most”, “in the universe”, change “find an abandoned research facility”→”find a way to alert…”.

SS said...

The story sounds fun, but the logline reads a bit choppy. Can a jungle be 'full' with just seven animals, or do you mean seven types of animals?

Is the most dangerous unknown animal lurking nearby a human? Just curious.

K. Cooper said...

I think there's too much unnecessary detail here, and too little emphasis on the main conflict. What I mean by this is you have "abandoned research facility" and "alert the authorities to their predicament" when really all the reader needs to know in a logline is that the kid and his uncle are trying to find a way to escape. I'd put more emphasis on the "seven most lethal creatures" and the "unknown animal." Why are all of these creatures on this one single planet in this one single jungle? And how did your characters become stranded in the first place? Did they crash land on the planet or were they exploring the jungle and the rest of their party is killed? These are details that are important but left out; depending on what the circumstances are, you'll have two different stories. I think this would be much stronger if it read something like: "When an adventurous twelve-year-old and his quirky uncle crash land on a planet full of the most lethal creatures in the universe, they must fight their way through a jungle full of lurking enemies and find a method of escape." Notice how I didn't use names. The [adjective] [noun that describes] character approach is more useful than a name in a logline because it gives the reader information a name can't. I have no idea if Keith is actually adventurous or the uncle is quirky, I just put something random in to illustrate the point. This logline will change a lot if Keith is actually a handicapped child, a reckless teen, or a brilliant scientist (see how those descriptions all bring something different to the table?). And it'll change if they didn't crash land. Put those plot elements in here, and use words/vocabulary that indicate the voice of your main character. "Predicament" doesn't scream middle grade to me. This is a good start, but I'd be much more interested with a few improvements.

Marne said...

Wow, those are quite some comments. I hope you gleaned good stuff from them and didn't get totally depressed. I liked it and I'd want to read more, but I'm not an expert on loglines. I can only tell you it drew me in...