TITLE: Thicker Than Water
GENRE: YA historical fantasy
Heloise helped Paul escape imprisonment and accompanies him against his wish to his hometown that is controlled by an evil sorcerer.
They rode through the cold autumn air. When the turrets of the city
walls came in sight, Paul reined his pony in. He dismounted and patted it.
"Take good care of him," he said to Heloise.
She shook her head and dismounted too. "I'm not leaving you."
Paul sighed. "You can't come along. It's too dangerous."
"I am used to dangers."
"I need to do this alone." He looked into Heloise's eyes trying to make
her understand. "I know how to survive in the streets, and how to blend
in. I know every nook and cranny. If I don't want to be seen, no one
will set eyes on me."
Heloise set her jaw. "Well, I don't care one bit if you come back or
not." She turned as if to leave. Then, she turned again and hugged him
tight.
Paul was so shocked he didn't move.
A kiss landed on his nose. "Come back alive, please." Heloise let go of
him, jumped on her horse and galloped off without looking back, dragging
Paul's pony along.
Open mouthed, Paul stared after her. The sensation of her body's firm
softness pressed against his lingered for a long time, and his heart
beat as fast as if he had run. He couldn't move until the tingling in
his nose subsided. Finally, he turned and walked towards the town.
This was nice. I think it's pretty strong.
ReplyDeleteI like the scene and the kiss, but am wanting more reaction from Paul to some of what Heloise does. Like when she pretends she is going to leave - I really wondered what he is thinking there. I loved the end where he is totally floored by the kiss!
ReplyDeleteI love that the kiss was to his nose. That's so sweet and just enough to make us want that kiss on the lips even more. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI think you nailed the innocence of the time, I would have liked to have seen more of Paul's reaction instead. :o)
ReplyDeleteI like this scene a lot. I would like more of a kiss, but I guess that it to come. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI particularly like that the sensuous aspect is described as an after effect! Very good.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the passive voice of "a kiss landed on his nose." I like the image you are going for, but I'd rather see it as an action from her.
Finally, "she turned as if to leave" was vague (especially in this out of context clip) since I didn't know if she was still mounted or not. "She turned to her horse, as if to leave" or something like that would keep us grounded in the reality of the world.
camille
I like this. Very sweet.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see some more flow to the sentences. They read sort of stilted, and we don't really feel much emotion (though we are told he has some in the end). I like the way he's stunned, though.
ReplyDeleteYes, she needs to dismount first if she's going to hug him. Just clarify that point and I think you're good to go. It though this was sweet, his reaction to her was great. I love reading about first loves! (Which was I thought this might be.)
ReplyDeleteWhy did he pat the horse? Was it steaming from exertion?
ReplyDeleteOverall this has a nice awkward tenderness surprise feel about it. Just felt maybe patting 'it' was kind of like an afterthought? If you don't agree then don't worry. :-)
ZP
Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I had to shorten the original a little, and some of your criticism touches on something that had been in the original. I'll think about the rest as I rewrite the story.
ReplyDelete