TITLE: Stealing Ashes
GENRE: YA Paranormal Fiction
Vampires like Jesse generally would kill a hunter before kissing her, but even before he was turned and she was trained, they'd been friends. Written in the hunter's (Ashlyn's) POV, it takes place when she's looking in the mirror at the person she's grown to hate as much as any vampire.
I wasn't sure why, but I started to blink back tears. I didn't want to hear nice things, I was so content hating myself, hating what I had become. But Jesse didn't stop, his eyes meeting mine in the mirror as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "She's beautiful," he whispered to my reflection, "and she always smells like roses."
Leaning closer, his breath tickled my ear, and with the tips of his fingers he turned my head from the mirror. Never in my life would I have called myself innocent, but I certainly didn't feel experienced, not at this, not with him. His voice was dark chocolate, and my entire body went numb with cold, except where his hand wrapped around my waist - that was fire. All my instincts told me he was a whisper away from my lips, but this was Jesse. Had he ever done what I expected him to do? No, he passed my lips, and instead his mouth brushed - of course - my neck.
Ever the vampire.
Oh, this was good. And the last line, whew! Nice.
ReplyDeleteI really like it, and I'm not a vampire lover. ;) I loved the last line and the way he was talking about her reflection in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteHoly moley…had to take a cold shower after this one. Good complex sentences and confrontation between the two, good dramatic settings. Some minor editing – mostly opinion as opposed to mistakes – such as “…I wasn’t sure why…” I would edit some of this paragraph so it would flow evenly. But that is very minor.
ReplyDeleteI am very impressed and would definitely read more. This will stay in my mind for a long time.
Good Job!
I really enjoyed this one as well! I love how you used the mirror and their past relationship to make the scene more powerful. ^_^
ReplyDeleteOoh, this was sexy. Love the dark chocolate!
ReplyDeleteI don't like vampire stories...and I can't deny this is well written. That last like is pure genius, and the set up for it is perfect.
ReplyDelete(And did he KISS her or bite her?)
I like your twist on the classic first kiss. It works well.
ReplyDeleteOne small suggestion: You could give more emphasis to the "But Jesse didn't stop" by making it its own sentence and adjusting the verb in the second half of the sentence, i.e., "But Jesse didn't stop. His eyes met mine in the mirror as if it was the most natural thing in the world."
I am very much not a vampire fan, and I do think this is well written. I thought vampires couldn't see their reflections, can he see his? I like that she's not innocent, and I like the dark chocolate.
ReplyDeleteI hate vampires now, but I loved this. Ever the vampire, like she's so over it too! And even though I don't like vampires, I might like this one in particular to kiss me....Good job.
ReplyDeleteWhy so much vampire hating?
ReplyDeleteLove vamps and loved this.
"Ever the vampire" was a good line says so much and puts a light humor spin to the scene.
sorry, as far as I know vampires do not have a reflection in a mirror (by tradition). I do hoe that you set up the mirroring stuff very well before this scene or vampire-lovers will not buy it. Other than that, very good and full of suspense.
ReplyDelete