Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #33

TITLE: Waiting for Paint to Dry
GENRE: Women's Literary Fiction

Growing up, my mother never allowed us to move around like other military families. When our father received new orders, my sister and I stayed home with her in sunny southern California. Endless beaches, perfect weather, there wasn't much a girl could complain about. Except for missing her father.

10 comments:

Amy Sue Nathan said...

Almost hooked. I'll tell you why. I read it twice and like the premise, I think it could be enticing with a girl growing up with an absent dad and how that affects her. But, I read the first line and didn't understand - was that when her mother was growing up? It seems like it needs some editing and rearranging to tighten it- getting rid of redundancies and things that are obvious. It's also bumpy going from "my mother" to "her father" and it's still the mc.

For example, jmho:

Mother never allowed us to move around like other military families. When father received orders, he packed his bag and left. We stayed home in sunny southern California with endless beaches and perfect weather. There wasn't much a girl could complain about - except for missing a father.

Lori Lundquist said...

Like the premise. Would read on a ways to see how it unfolds.

Medical Librarian said...

Semi-hooked. I'd keep reading to see where the story goes.

Jean V. Ryan said...

The first sentence feels off. Growing up doesn't seem necessary. If you are writing in past tense for the book, this needs to be in past perfect. As a military wife, the word "allow" doesn't feel right. It implies the children have a power to do this and she stops them. I'd rather see something more active.

I like the idea, but the execution prevents me from being hooked.

Jill Wheeler said...

I do get the emotional impact here, but you can clean it up by dealing with some grammatical issues. At the beginning, "growing up" is followed by "my mother", leading the reader to think it's the mother who is growing up. You can fix it by saying, "When I was growing up..."

Kathleen MacIver said...

There's not really anything to hook me...except good solid writing. That is enough to make me read another page or two to see what you have to offer me.

jjdebenedictis said...

Basically hooked. You imply emotional tension--between loving sunny home and hating having an absent father--and that's intriguing. I'd read on.

Claire said...

Semi-hooked. Instant dislike for the mother. Hope that was your intention. Sounds like a good set up for women's fiction.

Sarah Laurenson said...

I like the idea and what you're setting up here - so hooked by the hook. But I'm not hooked by the writing. Tightened up, I might be hooked by it all.

Bron said...

I'm hooked by this excerpt and would read on for a bit.