Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #16

TITLE: River Blood
GENRE: Fantasy

Tem slipped down the bridge embankment, quiet as mud. Never knew who was lurking, yeah? He eyed the drainpipe's yawning mouth. Not a lot of places to hide, upriver street like this. If she'd gotten his message, she'd be holed up inside.

If she'd gotten his message and Chayne hadn't found her meantime.

12 comments:

Claire said...

Not hooked.

Liked "quiet as mud," but the phrasing was odd to me. Last sentence seems like it should read "in the meantime."

Janet Johnson said...

Not hooked.

I don't know what I should fear, so I'm not worried about what's lurking.

The second sentence disoriented me a bit. "yeah?" makes no sense to me.

M.T. Murphy said...

The voice is distracting for third person. If you want to hold on to an extremely personal voice like that you may want to go with first person narrative. Even then, starting off with a lot of vernacular phrases makes for a challenging read unless the reader can connect directly from the start.

Adam Heine said...

I like the voice, but it's a little hard to follow in places. I'd read on, but if it didn't clear up I'd probably stop.

Emay said...

Not hooked. I don't like the "yeah" either, and it's actually kind of vague. I think openings can certainly be vague, but this doesn't make me want to read on to see what the message is, and who Chayne is. I also think it's strange to share the name Chayne, but not whoever the girl is that is supposed to have received the message.

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I actually really like this. The voice is distinct, young, and sharp. Quiet as mud also distracted me. I like it, but it made me think, "That's an interesting simile," which is good, but it pulled me out of the story.

Michelle said...

Not hooked. I was confused and had to read it again... then didn't want to read it a third time.

Jean V. Ryan said...

not hooked. "quiet as mud?" I like the words, but reference doesn't make sense. When you walk in mud, it makes slurpy noises. Are you trying to say quiet or not? The yeah? takes me out of the story. If I'm asked a question as a reader, it needs to be important. what is "upriver street?" The ifs also take me out of the story.

Moira Young said...

Although I'm still semi-hooked, I have to say that "yeah" was jarring and threw me out of the story.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Almost hooked. The voice takes a bit of getting used to, but it's intriguing, too.

TKAstle said...

Not hooked. Had to read it multiple times before I was sure of exactly what you meant.

jjdebenedictis said...

Squee! I love the voice! You have a note-perfect ear for this dialogue. I'd keep reading just because I already trust your skill.

You also set up a nice bit of tension regarding what has really happened to "her" (don't know her name yet--sorry!) I'm definitely hooked.