Wednesday, January 13, 2010

11 Secret Agent

TITLE: Resin
GENRE: Young Adult Epic Fantasy

Roulle knew the day he left his lifelong refuge was fast approaching,
but he didn't think it would be as soon as in a couple days. The harrowing
topic was on his mind as he poured water from a golden goblet into another
glass. He heard a slight gush as the golden goblet refilled itself with
water, then he poured the new water from the goblet into a second glass
beside the one he just filled. There was another gush as the goblet
refilled. This time Roulle left the water in the goblet untouched. He
pushed one of the two glasses he had just filled across the table to his
mother, Nna.

"Thank you, honey," she said, gripping the glass and taking a sip.

"Sure, Mother." Roulle picked up the golden goblet and rose from the
table. It was always chillingly cool, the water inside perfect temperature
for drinking no matter where the goblet was stored, and it always refilled
automatically when emptied. Roulle knew it had to be an incredibly valuable
magifact, or object enchanted by magic. Perhaps the very type of magifact
that the thieves of Wharvul were just itching to get their hands on. The
kind they dreamed this large house contained. And it looked like they were
right.

After placing the goblet in the cupboard, Roulle opened the cupboard¹s
lower drawers, revealing several strips of fresh chicken. The cupboard was
probably just as valuable a magifact as the golden goblet, as every time it
was opened, poultry cut in strips the same size and amount as the last time
it was opened was found lying inside.

8 comments:

Secret Agent said...

The voice feels a little too obvious, like it's trying to explain everything to the reader. Unless Roulle is brand new to this room and its objects, he shouldn't be explaining them all to himself like this. The first sentence also feels disjointed, and out of pace with the rest of the segment.

brendao said...

I got a little put off by the repetition of the words goblet and gushing and stopped reading this one. It's not my genre of preference to begin with, so take my comments with a grain of salt.

Annette Lyon said...

A more purposeful scene might be a better opening--where there's a reason they need to hide the goblet or the drawer, maybe--something with conflict where we happen to learn about the magifact concept as a result of the scene.

As Secret Agent said, currently it's a catalog of telling us stuff the MC already knows, and that doesn't feel natural.

Falen said...

the POV is a bit jumpy as is the tense. The first sentence should be more along the lines of "Roulle knew the day he would have to leave his lifelong refuge" if i'm understanding the story right...
Also might want to watch the passive voice

Angie said...

"... but he didn't think it would be as soon as in a couple days" got me hung up a few times, so it threw me off on the first sentence. I think a more concise wording of this would help out.
I think there is too much "golden goblet." We know by the goblet- since the others are called glasses- that he's using the golden goblet.
-a

Barbara said...

What I asked myself when I finished reading this was - What's the point? You introduce magifacts (nice word!) and him leaving. What is the significance of both? Why do they matter? That's what's missing, IMO.

This starts with him having to leave in a few days, and then veers off into magifacts. Instead of telling us about the goblet and drawer, tell us why he's leaving, where he's going, why he's going, how he feels about going, and as he's thinking all this, show him using the goblet and drawer.

Show the goblet refilling itself so you don't have to tell us. Same with the drawer. And if they need to stand out for some reason, tell us why. Why does he have them? What is their significance?

But generally, it works better to stick to one aspect of the story in each scene. In this scene, which is more important - the magifacts or him leaving?

bfav said...

I like where this is going, I'm sure the MC will have a run in with the theives.

My suggestion would be to start with the action of the theives and then use this as backstory for why.

Endora said...

Needs tighter sentences, less repetition, deeper conflict.

Chillingly cool is a contradiction
and redundant.
Chilling = discomfort
cool = comfort.

Possesses intriguing props & curious names.

If it was his lifelong refuge, how could he wonder if the thieves wanted his magifacts? Why would he be vulnerable now, not previously?

IMO, the leaving and the magifacts can work in harmony if you heightened the objects' value and intensified his fear that they would be stolen.

The story's creative elements pique my curiosity.