Wednesday, September 9, 2009

30 Secret Agent

(redacted by request of author)

20 comments:

Catherine Kariaxi said...

Not entirely hooked... I think I wanted more setting and show. It's feels 'telly'.

rhea said...

You have a wonderful voice. The first paragraph made me chuckle. However, nothing's really happening except they're setting up to make a movie.

Because of your voice, I would read more to see what else happens.

peachykeen said...

Too much backstory for me at the story. The action started at the end. And it seemed to jump around in time from Memorial Day weekend to dinnertime on Friday. Not hooked, but maybe with a better start.

Bryan said...

I really feel that through all 250 words, this needs to be split in to different chapters. We go from wanting summer to hurry, to May, to Memorial Day weekend, to Grandpa and his slalom ski...all in the first 250! Work on breaking it up and building a better picture of the two boys and their love of filmography.

Sarah Erber said...

I agree that you have a wonderful voice, and the first thought I had after reading this is, "it's cute".

I don't know if I'm personally interested in knowing the rest though.

Sheila said...

I'm not hooked, mostly because of the erratic flow of the piece. I agree with Bryan that you jump all over the place in these 250 words.

I liked the opening two sentences, but the third one reads a little awkwardly. And why would we assume Rick is stupid because he won't let him be Stunt Master?

I love that they do the film thing with grandpa. My kids like to make movies and nobody wants to be the cameraman - so I could picture this as a great solution.

I don't think "filmography" is the word you want to use in paragraph 4. Filmography refers to writings about films, whereas I think you mean they want to build up their collection of films.

Good luck.

Amy said...

Loved your voice. Very believable.

The jump to grandpa at the lake didn't flow well to me, but maybe clarify that later on. The first 250 is hard.

catspit said...

The last sentence, that felt totally unrelated to the rest of the story, ruined any hook you might have generated.

I like the tone of the whole piece, though I would like to know earlier the age of the character.

I would think if they waited all winter to start filming they would have had many many ideas. When the character asks his brother "got any ideas", it let me down.

Barbara said...

Not hooked.

You have a great voice here, but nothing happens. And even if they make a movie, or start to make one, you still need a problem. The problem is what makes it interesting.

You do have a bit of a potential problem here when your MC says in the first parg. . . . if my stupid brother would even let me anymore.

That kind of hints that something went wrong last year that will stop your MC from being a stunt man this year. But you don't follow it up with anything, so I don't know if that's where you'll be going.

My suggestion would be to get at least the hint of a problem in here.

Chris said...

I'm a tad confused in the first paragraph - is his brother not allowing him to assist in the film productions, calling himself the Stunt Master, or doing stunts in general?

No minnows but his feet are in the water? How long could he keep them in there? I'm not trying to be mean; I think this posting is one of my favorites.

I like the phrase 'Fifth grade was almost a wrap.' Very cute - it shows how bad the kid has the movie bug.

Hooked for the most part.

Devon Ashley said...

I'm not really hooked...but I'm not a MG either. I think your voice is pretty good though.

Last paragraph doesn't quite fit , but maybe it's meant to be a transition we're not seeing.

Snazel said...

I liked the beginning, though when you actually settled down to talking about things, I didn't really care. Why is his brother being smart an issue?

Mark Andreas said...

the tense in the paragraph "Now I just wanted summer to hurry and get here..." threw me. It was strange to have this paragraph be in 'now' and the next already jumping to 'finally it was may.' I'd change the 'now' to 'during school'

I like the voice in the beginning. there's nothing that really jumps out and hooks me though, no clear conflict or intrigue or mystery. It's a tough thing to have to hook in only 250 words.

just Joan said...

I think the opening is good, but then you need to move into the actual making of the movie or something more exciting than waiting for summer and then sitting around on Memorial Day still waiting for something to happen.

Kids don't want to wait (and neither do I). Get us to the action and adventure. =D

Locksley said...

Hi,
I like your protagonist's personality, but I wasn't given an inciting incident, something that casts our hero into a quandry or danger, something that will change his life. Mpst agents look for that step away from the norm (and right up front). If you add the incident a little sooner you'd hook many minnows. best of luck

Jodi Meadows said...

The pacing is a bit of a hurtle here, which didn't work for me. There's a good voice in all this, but I didn't get a sense of anything I needed a sense of. So, not for me.

Sara J. Henry said...

Nothing has happened yet - I'm betting with MG (let alone this audience), you need things to move along.

Didn't grab me, sorry.

Robyn Jayce said...

Good writing style, but there was nothing in the story to grab me.

Secret Agent said...

I'm not convinced this sounds like a teen or pre-teen. I would not keep reading.

Bron said...

I agree that there's too many events in the first 250 words. Start with them and the cabin having their meeting, and we can find out about the $25 camcorder and the rest later.