TITLE: I'll Repent Tomorrow
GENRE: Women's Fiction
This is the opening of Chapter 2. Cyn, the protagonist, spent the previous weekend in Seattle donating money at a charity rock concert to assuage her guilt for something that happened in the past.
Thursday evening I drag myself in and check my e—mail. Sometimes I get wonderful e—mails from people who like my book, something like that would be welcome right about now.
In line at Safeway, dinner and breakfast in my little brown basket, a kid approached me. Very young, barely walking. I took a step back and turned my face away, but it was insistent. His speech incomprehensible, he held a small bunch of grapes out to me. I took another step back and the mother finally decided to pay attention to what her child was doing. She bent over and told him to say hello to me. I wanted to ask why she wasn't teaching him to be afraid of strangers like everyone else, but she turned back around to finish unloading her cart onto the conveyor belt.
The boy came at me again, brandishing the grapes. Someone had stepped into line behind me, trapping me between him and the little boy. The boy babbled again and I said no. Louder than I'd intended. His mother turned and glared at me when the boy whined.
"That's mean. You shouldn't be mean to little kids," the mother said.
"Shouldn't you be watching a child that age every second?"
Before she could respond I moved to another line. The mother kept turning to glare at me, as though minding one's own business were somehow inappropriate.
I like this scene very much. Everybody has strange encounters in grocery store lines; you've described this one very well.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused by the change in tense from the first paragraph. It was present tense, the rest was past.
You have a major lapse in tense which strangely doesn't really hurt the piece and demonstrates just how difficult it is to sustain a first person presence.
ReplyDeleteI thought your voice is very evident and the piece was enjoyable.
I felt I was there.
I liked this and would enjoy reading more.
ReplyDeleteOne recommendation, (no reason to harp on what was already said) when she says no in the third paragraph, shouldn't the no be in quotation marks?
Thanks for submitting!
THere's nice tension and organic emotion here, but I was confused by her reaction. At first I thought she was afraid of upsetting the child, then that he was upsetting her.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the plot and what happened before would make her reaction make sense, but if it doesn't, consider tossing in one line at least to throw out a clue.
But the tension is the key thing needed in emotional scenes, and that comes through clear.
good luck.
I was wondering what exactly she had against the little boy? Is her reaction the over the top one or the mom's?
ReplyDeleteI notice she refers to the kid as an "it."
If the kid had been described as messy, snot running out his nose, or the grapes squashed, then I could understand why she was so bothered. It just sounds to me like he wants to share a grape with her.
And if he mom was chatting on her phone or something, that would be one thing, but she's unloading the cart which is good thing since the MC is behind her in line.
Sorry, but I didn't have much sympathy for your protaganist. Am I suppose to? She seems cold.
Thanks everyone, for commenting. I don't know what I expected (maybe an impromptu roast?), but this has been really fun.
ReplyDeleteMark - Thanks! I've tweaked this transition & it's much stronger now.
Anon - Thanks for the compliment! Actually, my first paragraph demonstrates that flashbacks MUST have all three parts or they just don't work. :) Even if you're just flashing-back 30 minutes.
Thanks, Andrea! Since she's just thinking "no" I didn't think it needed quotes; something to ponder.
Louise, Emily & susiej - I wanted to show that she's afraid of, and for, the little kid (kids in general, really). Maybe it works better with more context, or maybe needs tweaking. Either way, thanks so much for commenting!
Caren,
ReplyDeleteGood- then you got your point across, to me. I felt something was out of place with her reaction. This is my first time with a Drop the Needle and it can be difficult, to get in all in 250 words. But, I got it! So good job.
Hi Caren if you're still checking in,
ReplyDeleteI liked this but didn't like the MC, which is okay. I liked the "it" reference, but in the very next sentence you change to his/he. I think you lose the effect. I think it would be stronger to pick one or the other and stay with it. Otherwise, I like your writing style and would keep reading.