Wednesday, February 25, 2009

5 Drop the Needle: Chapter Endings

TITLE: The Amnesia Door
GENRE: MG Contemporary Fantasy

The teacher they all thought was normal has just started class, talking about Egyptian literature, when the other students start to notice strange things.


"When we read works from Egypt, you have to think about not just the story, but also Egypt itself."

Belle shifted in her seat, and her foot slipped across something grainy on the floor. She peered over the edge of her desk. Sand?

The lights burst. Everyone flinched away from the sudden brightness of the room, but when the light didn't fade, they all looked back up, shading their eyes with their hands.

The flickering fluorescent lights were gone. So was the ceiling. In their place was an azure sky with a blazing sun bearing down oppressively upon them. A vast desert of golden sandy hills spread around them, wavering lines of heat rising in the distance.

Kendall screamed.

Belle stood up, and as soon as she did, her desk disappeared. As the others stood, their desks evaporated in the heat, too, and soon the only thing remaining from the classroom was the bright blue door. It stood frameless in the sand, hanging absurdly without any walls around it. Iron hinges stuck out at one side. A tiny silver line usually hidden by the frame ran around the edge of the door. It sparkled in the sun.

Because no one had paid any attention to her the first time, Kendall screamed again.

"Welcome to Egypt," Ms. Wendt said.

17 comments:

  1. Fabulous! I definitely would read on, and am jealous that I was never in Ms. Wendt's class!

    I think my only nit is the name you've chosen for your MC. Belle is a little too close to Bella and I'm sure I'm not the only one to make the association.

    The rest flows nicely and I have no comments other than good job.

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  2. Ok this is my first, so I will be nice!

    I actually like the idea of this story but do have some questions or constructive criticism to follow.

    It is hard to follow at first due to the length being only 250 words, but I ask is there more set up preceeding this? I mean it goes from class to dramatic in one sentence.

    Is Kendall the main character and why is she the only one screaming?

    Your descriptive writing is great, but don't take it too far to paint a picture, leading readers away from the dramatic to the continued description, including the door. Almost a paragraph long describing the door. Is the door that relevant to the fact that out of no where the class is now in Egypt?

    That was nice, I promise because I actually did enjoy reading it. I would want to read more.

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  3. I enjoyed this one a lot. What a unique concept! I agree with the other complments about the writing style.

    The only thing that tripped me up was the sentence, "The lights burst." I had some difficulty understand what that meant.

    I would definitely want to read more.

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  4. You mix "we" and "you" here:

    "When we read ..., you have to think ... "

    I know what you're trying to say here, but it's a bit confusing:

    "Everyone flinched away from the sudden brightness of the room, but when the light didn't fade, they all looked back up"

    If the brightness fills the room, you can't really look away from it. You can cover your eyes, but not much else. Maybe providing a more specific direction for the like (above them) would help?

    I'd split this up into two sentences:

    "heat, too, and soon"

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  5. I like it! It's frustrating not to be able to read on... I do think the sentence about flinching away from the light could use some tightening; otherwise I don't see anything to change. There's plenty of drama and tension, the visuals are lovely, and the next-last sentence gives a vividly irritating sense of Kendall .

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  6. I think the transition happened suddenly. She felt sand under her feet and then boom - they were in the desert. I'd like to see what else the kids noticed other than sand other their feet. And see other kids reacting than just Kendall and Belle. Maybe you built up to this scene previously and I missed it.

    It starts with Belle being the pov character but then at the end its Kendall when you explain why she is screaming again. Unless you are going for Omniscient, you need stay in pov character, which I'm not sure in 250 words who that is.

    Time travel is fun, but Egypt has been done many times. I hope you have a unique frest twist on this one. Your concept appears to be more like an older Magic School Bus with the teacher leading them there, but different from just a couple kids stepping through a portal or magical door or book or treehouse.

    All that said, I loved the description and the door hanging there in the mid-air. I enjoyed it and would read on.

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  7. This sounds like a fascinating idea and I think you've got a good grasp of things, but I would love to see a bit more build-up to the change from the classroom to Egypt. But possibly it is instantaneous and we need to accept it as such.

    I, too, was a bit confused with the lights bursting. I think you may just need to reword it.

    The only other thing that stood out for me in anything resembling a negative way was the door. I apologize, but I immediate thought of Monsters, Inc. when I read that description. Hopefully that's just me.

    I would absolutely keep reading this, so even though my comments may seem harsh, I found it quite entertaining for the most part.

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  8. I really like the idea of a classroom suddenly being transported to Egypt. I didn't understand who Kendal was either, so I thing this hung me up too. Otherwise, really cool ending!

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  9. Love the title. And this has a kinda Goosebumps feel to it. And that's a GOOD THING, because I loved the GB books when I was a munchkin.

    Don't need the 'contemporary' in the genre.

    Hee - must admit - I thought Kendall (I thought she was a 'he' at first read through) was going to scream after the the last line.

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  10. :D I like it. Possibly it's a bit too sudden, but it's hard to tell from just the 250 words. I do like the image of the lights bursting, but the second sentence of that paragraph could probably benefit from being broken up.

    "Because no one had paid any attention to her the first time, Kendall screamed again."

    I just love that line. :) It's so cute.

    ~Jenita

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  11. Wow, what a hook! Love it. I can almost see what's happening in the room and all the confusion. I'm a little bit confused on who the POV character is: Belle or Kendall? Be careful of your changes in voice. This is a cool idea for middle grade. I'd read on.

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  12. My son would be on the edge of his seat if I was reading this to him. I loved the idea, but really would like to see a bit more of the transition to Egypt and a few other student reactions.

    I agree that you've built the door up to be something big-I hope it is!

    I love Ms Wendt's matter of fact welcome at the end and by far my absolute favorite line..."Because no one had paid any attention to her the first time, Kendall screamed again." That was perfect! I would read this with my boys in a heartbeat so get it published soon!

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  13. I like the ending. It reminds me of the Miss Susan character from the Discworld series teaching class.

    Very fun :o)

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  14. I'd definitely read on, and even more, I'd want to read from the beginning too! :)

    Nice job.

    ~Merc

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  15. I like this start. Maybe add the walls disappearing in the lights and ceiling paragraph - that way being able to see a vast desert of golden sandy hills makes more sense, and you don't have to add "without any walls around it" in the next paragraph.

    I would read on.

    Joe Novella

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  16. Oooooh. I'm hooked. A trip through Egypt with a magical teacher? And with humour and lovely description, too. (I'm with the other commenters who said they'd like more description of the transition, though.)

    That door has me intrigued, since I'm linking it with the title. What happens when you go through it?

    I definitely want to see where this story is headed.

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  17. Ooh, I really like this! Your descriptions are spot on and this is such an interesting concept! I would suggest, if this is an MG, watch some of your word choices to make sure they're appropriate for your audience (ex: azure). But other than that, I'd definitely read on!

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