Wednesday, January 14, 2009

19 SECRET AGENT

TITLE: Prisoners of the Throne
GENRE: MG fantasy

"When birch branches clack in the wind, and rattle like dead men's bones, it means the little people are roaming." That's what old Blind Alice had told Nate Zackar the last time he was 'round her way, selling pelts. She'd trembled and pulled her afghan tight against the Alaskan chill. "Looking for victims," she'd whispered. "Wind makes 'em hungered."

Nate stood at the woodpile behind his cabin afraid to stay and afraid to leave. He squinted out from under his beaver fur hat. All around, thin birch trees bowed in the wind and inside his head, old Blind Alice's scratchy voice repeatedly cackled out a warning, "Foolish children will not heed, so little men will find their feed."

Out of the corner of one eye, Nate caught a flash of color moving across the snowy ground. He whipped around to look.

Nothing.

Still the fine hairs on the nape of his neck stood up.

He shook his head. What a goose he was being. The movement he'd seen must have been twigs being blown about. He didn't believe in all that mumbo jumbo talk about little people.

What he did believe in was his uncle's temper. If he didn't get the wood in soon, he'd be a victim alright--Uncle Jerry's victim. He did another quick survey of the area and set back to work. Moving clumsily, all bundled up in his thick fur parka and mittens, he took a piece of firewood and slipped it into his bag.

31 comments:

  1. I like some of the descriptions here, I would read on.

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  2. The first sentence hooked me, but I kind of lost my interest at the end.

    I'd still read on a few more pages before making my decision.

    Good luck.

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  3. The 'sayings' are a bit wordy so I'd try to rework them a little, but I enjoyed this and would read on. Good imagery!

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  4. Ohhh, excellent! Love the voice, the imagery, the tensions. Very exciting. You’ve got me.

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  5. This sounds like the beginning of an epic of a tale.

    It has a very different feel then some other fantasy I've been reading and I like that.

    Can't say it's the most attention grabbing read ever, but it starts in such a way and is written well enough that I'd probably read the whole story.

    Language and word choice may be on the fence for interesting for MG readers though.

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  6. I loved this opening. So much.

    Great tension building - from the old lady's warnings, to the sight of something, to the pressure to get the job done. And I love the setting.

    I feel like I am in capable hands, here, and would love to read more.

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  7. I would read on to find out if he did see something out of the corner of his eye. Good scene setting with the woods and noises that remind him of old folklore and make him nervous.

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  8. There is some confusion on who's point of view this is being told. We have a she and a Nate who is a he. It confuses me. And if Nate may not have really seen something, shouldn't he have THOUGHT he saw a flash of color?

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  9. What a great first sentence! Let's us know right away what the possibilities of the story are.

    I was a bit disappointed that all he was doing was gathering wood at the end, but the quality of the writing would keep me reading, certainly thru the first few chapters.

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  10. I'd certainly read more. I like the descriptions.

    Great job!

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  11. Like it!

    I think you could condense the first two paragraphs--they seemed a bit repetitive to me. But otherwise, I thought it was well done! :)

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  12. I'd read more. I'm not a big fan of opening with dialog or a quote, but you kept me interested with some good imagery and details!

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  13. Oh, my, yes. I loved this one. Your descriptive writing is very captivating. And, you don't mention it, but somehow I got the feeling of extreme quiet. I love the setting and the mood you've created. I want to know about these little people.

    Hooked and hooked.

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  14. Hooked- it gave me a chill. I'd read on, and as a preteen I'd've loved it. Good work.

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  15. I'm hooked.

    I feel like curling up in front of the fire.

    I did have to read the first couple of paragraphs again. It seemed to be in Alice's POV, though it wasn't. Maybe state the little poem, then:

    Nate shuddered as he recalled Alice's words. The last time he called on her she pulled her afghan tight...etc.

    Escalating tension, nice action.

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  16. I think you're a great writer. I did have to reread the first part again because I was confused by the tense and thought he was still out in front of Blind Alice's house. I'm not sure what you can do to make that clearer. Also, I felt a little confused about the time period. Is this set in a different time period? Do people go around selling pelts in this day and age? And if it is set in "the olden days" would he have an Uncle named Jerry? These two things seemed discordant, but there could be a very good reason for them. Overall, great work!

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  17. I enjoyed it and didn't mind that all he was doing was stacking wood, because not everything can happen in the first 250 words. I like starting with the second paragraph better. I got lost in the first paragraph and had to read it twice.

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  18. Totally hooked! *nodding* Would read more for sure. Good job!

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  19. Lovely writing. Great job!

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  20. Oh, yeah, hooked for sure. We've got a good feel for Nate already, and two solid sources of potential conflict in the "little people" and in Uncle Jerry.

    One nit--I found the tense of the first lines off-putting (had told; she'd trembled; she'd whispered). I think perhaps it was just a little too distant for me for a beginning. But then it quickly becomes more active and immediate.

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  21. Love the first line and the last line in the first paragraph! Hooked!

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  22. Hooked me…
    Because it seems very original. Believable, well told, love the superstition. I’d be willing to bet it comes in later! Yes, I would definitely read on. Well done!

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  23. The opening two paragraphs feel a bit confusing and overdone for me, but I do like the voice and the setting. I'd read on at least to the end of the chapter to see if plot is introduced beyond the uncle's anger.

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  24. An atmospheric set-up - cold, remote, and with the potential for all manner of bad things to happen! I would read on, but would hope that soon your 'camera' would zoom right in on Nate as a person (we're very much outside him at the moment, taking in the view).
    BTW I'm wondering what time period we're in here. Old Blind Alice in her afghan/woodpiles/little people are making me think it's going to be quite folk-taley, but Uncle Jerry sounds more contemporary. Or maybe this is just life in Alaska!

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  25. This is interesting. I would read on. Love the voice.

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  26. I would definitely read further on this one. Good suspenseful beginning.

    The only thing I'd mention is to check on the rules of using commas. It seemed you put them where they weren't needed and eliminated them when they were.

    Good writing.

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  27. Excellent start! I really, really liked this one. You write so well, I could feel the chill!

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  28. "Wind makes 'em hungered." I'm hooked!

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