When I was a child, I didn't dream of growing up to be an international bank thief. I didn't think I'd ever attend boarding school either, just like I didn't think my dad was having an affair.
When I was a child, I didn't dream of growing up to be an international bank thief. I didn't think I'd ever attend boarding school either, just like I didn't think my dad was having an affair.
I like this.
I think there should be a comma after "school" and an em dash after either.
My first book was about bank thieves - then I did a lot of research and found out that stealing money from banks didn't work believably enough for my characters, so I made them jewelry thieves instead. I'm interested in your story, for sure! Anything bank-thief related has me hooked right off the bat!
And I LOVE how you move from being a child, to a thief, to boarding school to your father having an affair all in two sentences. Very nicely done.
I liked this. A lot of different plot points thrown at us, but in a natural way that doesn't hit the reader over the head. Good character voice, too. I'd definitely read on.
Heh, looks like I'm the first to be so-so, in which case you can take me with a grain of salt! O:)
The situation is interesting, the sentences aren't bad, but I feel it's not as punchy as it could be. I think it's the voice that's not happening for me.
Would definitely keep reading, though, because of the interesting situation :)
This is nice. We get a good sense of the MC here, but I'm not sure boarding school fits in with the rest of the mentions. The voice is good and an international thief is intriguing, but there's something so-so about it.
I think it's the MC's personality. What I mean is, out of everything the MC could tell us about him/herself, he/she chose: bank thief, boarding school, and dad having an affair. This tells me the MC has 'issues.' That these were mentioned in the first two sentences tells me that these 'issues' will have a lot of weight on the story, and I'm not sure how much fun I will get out of a bank thief story if it's weighed down by these other issues.
Of course, I could be way off base. In any case, I would definitely read on. :)
I loved the first line, but the second one felt anti-climatic and uninteresting compared to the first.
If there was more related to the first line (and he IS an international bank thief!) or something like that, I'd read on. If it's not, I'm afriad I wouldn't.
*shrugs*
I'd probably finish the page to see whether or not the line is a gimmick or if it's a story I'd be interested in. Still, for a one-liner, I like!
I think it's great, would read on. I also felt the second sentence is a bit of a yawn.
But, I don't think you should take it out. I think the bit about not believing dad was having an affair packs lots of great insight into the MC and his relationship/family all in a few words; don't loose that.
I think it's the boarding school; it feels telly like the author is trying to slip in information to the reader instead of allowing us to glean the details like the rest of it does so well.
In summary, I think it'd be perfect as just one sentence...
When I was a child, I didn't dream of growing up to be an international bank thief, just like I didn't think Dad was having an affair.
wow! i really like this. very good description of the main character in two brief sentences. id definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteGreat set-up.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a child, I didn't dream of growing up to be an international bank thief. I didn't think I'd ever attend boarding school either, just like I didn't think my dad was having an affair.
ReplyDeleteI like this.
I think there should be a comma after "school" and an em dash after either.
My first book was about bank thieves - then I did a lot of research and found out that stealing money from banks didn't work believably enough for my characters, so I made them jewelry thieves instead. I'm interested in your story, for sure! Anything bank-thief related has me hooked right off the bat!
And I LOVE how you move from being a child, to a thief, to boarding school to your father having an affair all in two sentences. Very nicely done.
I LOVE this--very telling, lots of info and great punch!
ReplyDeleteGreat set up, moves quickly, and like the voice. Very intriguing. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I like bank thieves, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. A lot of different plot points thrown at us, but in a natural way that doesn't hit the reader over the head. Good character voice, too. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHeh, looks like I'm the first to be so-so, in which case you can take me with a grain of salt! O:)
ReplyDeleteThe situation is interesting, the sentences aren't bad, but I feel it's not as punchy as it could be. I think it's the voice that's not happening for me.
Would definitely keep reading, though, because of the interesting situation :)
This is nice. We get a good sense of the MC here, but I'm not sure boarding school fits in with the rest of the mentions. The voice is good and an international thief is intriguing, but there's something so-so about it.
ReplyDeleteI think it's the MC's personality. What I mean is, out of everything the MC could tell us about him/herself, he/she chose: bank thief, boarding school, and dad having an affair. This tells me the MC has 'issues.' That these were mentioned in the first two sentences tells me that these 'issues' will have a lot of weight on the story, and I'm not sure how much fun I will get out of a bank thief story if it's weighed down by these other issues.
Of course, I could be way off base. In any case, I would definitely read on. :)
The voice is good, but i don't care much for such telling openings. The repetition of "I didn't" doesn't really work for me, either.
ReplyDeleteNicely done. :-)
ReplyDeleteI loved the first line, but the second one felt anti-climatic and uninteresting compared to the first.
ReplyDeleteIf there was more related to the first line (and he IS an international bank thief!) or something like that, I'd read on. If it's not, I'm afriad I wouldn't.
*shrugs*
I'd probably finish the page to see whether or not the line is a gimmick or if it's a story I'd be interested in. Still, for a one-liner, I like!
~Merc
I think it's great, would read on. I also felt the second sentence is a bit of a yawn.
ReplyDeleteBut, I don't think you should take it out. I think the bit about not believing dad was having an affair packs lots of great insight into the MC and his relationship/family all in a few words; don't loose that.
I think it's the boarding school; it feels telly like the author is trying to slip in information to the reader instead of allowing us to glean the details like the rest of it does so well.
In summary, I think it'd be perfect as just one sentence...
When I was a child, I didn't dream of growing up to be an international bank thief, just like I didn't think Dad was having an affair.