It was a brief passing and I caught just a glimpse of him, but it was Ethan. I know his muscular, stocky frame like each freckle on my face, even after twenty years.
It was a brief passing and I caught just a glimpse of him, but it was Ethan. I know his muscular, stocky frame like each freckle on my face, even after twenty years.
I like this, as well. I would say "it was definitely Ethan," though.
And I would state that I "knew" instead of "know."
I'm intrigued. Is Ethan bad or good? Is the narrator in danger? I'd keep reading.
Ooh, I liked this too. I'd really like to know why it's been twenty years since Ethan's been seen. I agree that "know" should be "knew" to keep the tense consistent, but great job!
Oh, sweet, a romance... sorry, I'd skip. Lusting after someone after 20 years just doesn't capture my attention. It's a personal preference though. Just not my genre probably.
Sorry, but it didn't hook me. There's too much passive voice for my tastes, and I don't know enough about the MC to care whether or not this is Ethan, or if seeing him again is a good or bad thing. I don't really feel connected to the MC yet.
It's written well but I'm just not intrigued by the situation. There's no indication, to me, that this is anything other than a regular romance (she'd married, or he's married, or they were married, or they were old flames before they went they're separate ways, or some such) I'm not getting any spark here, sorry.
I like the mystery here, but like others, I'd drop the opening phrase. The vague word "it" is sneaky, and it sneaked into that first sentence twice. ;-)
I'm not sure about comparing a muscular, stocky frame to the POV character's freckles, either. I have freckles, and I spent most of my youth fruitlessly trying to cover them up. Does anyone really study their own freckles? Maybe I'm just getting cranky and you should ignore me....
No, sorry, as others have said, the first few words don't work for me, it doesn't sound like the genre I like, and I'm not sure I care about anything here.
I've always wondered at people who memorize their own freckles, though. :P Lots of time on hand?
I like this. :)
ReplyDeleteIt was a brief passing and I caught just a glimpse of him, but it was Ethan. I know his muscular, stocky frame like each freckle on my face, even after twenty years.
ReplyDeleteI like this, as well. I would say "it was definitely Ethan," though.
And I would state that I "knew" instead of "know."
I'm intrigued. Is Ethan bad or good? Is the narrator in danger? I'd keep reading.
I think it would read strong if you left out, "It was a brief passing and." "I know" should be "I knew."
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, though.
I agree with Christy. You don't need both "brief passing" and "just a glimpse". I'm interested.
ReplyDeleteDrop the first part of the first sentence "It was a brief passing."
ReplyDeleteI like this as well.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I liked this too. I'd really like to know why it's been twenty years since Ethan's been seen. I agree that "know" should be "knew" to keep the tense consistent, but great job!
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet, a romance... sorry, I'd skip. Lusting after someone after 20 years just doesn't capture my attention. It's a personal preference though. Just not my genre probably.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but it didn't hook me. There's too much passive voice for my tastes, and I don't know enough about the MC to care whether or not this is Ethan, or if seeing him again is a good or bad thing. I don't really feel connected to the MC yet.
ReplyDeleteI /really/ don't like 'it was a brief passing', but other than that this is okay. Enough for me to give it another page or two.
ReplyDeleteIt's written well but I'm just not intrigued by the situation. There's no indication, to me, that this is anything other than a regular romance (she'd married, or he's married, or they were married, or they were old flames before they went they're separate ways, or some such) I'm not getting any spark here, sorry.
ReplyDeleteToo passive, and just didn't grab me. Sorry
ReplyDeleteI like the mystery here, but like others, I'd drop the opening phrase. The vague word "it" is sneaky, and it sneaked into that first sentence twice. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about comparing a muscular, stocky frame to the POV character's freckles, either. I have freckles, and I spent most of my youth fruitlessly trying to cover them up. Does anyone really study their own freckles? Maybe I'm just getting cranky and you should ignore me....
No, sorry, as others have said, the first few words don't work for me, it doesn't sound like the genre I like, and I'm not sure I care about anything here.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered at people who memorize their own freckles, though. :P Lots of time on hand?
Good luck,
~Merc