Tyler Lucas was busy playing Bomberman on his iPod when he heard a sickening thud.He quickly planted his last bomb as the school bus screeched to a halt.
"Quickly" landed on me with a thud (after mercilessly training myself to destroy adverbs in my own work), and I'm afraid I agree with the others about the passive voice. The immediate mention of contemporary toys sets the time well and probably will catch the attention of YA readers ... uh, quickly.
The fact that he doesn’t stop playing the video game the moment he hears the thud kinda paints your character in a not-so-positive light. If this is intentional (i.e. his character doesn’t care for anyone other than himself), then it works. If not, then you’re paining a different aspect on him here with his delayed reaction.
Tyler Lucas was busy playing Bomberman on his iPod when he heard a sickening thud. He quickly planted his last bomb as the school bus screeched to a halt.
The first passive sentence didn't hook me.
The "sickening thud" is the only thing that would keep me reading.
I'm almost sure "was busy playing" is continuous, not passive. And heard is an active verb, though it doesn't feel particularly active here. (Passive structure would be "Bomberman was being played by Tyler Lucas when . . .")
That said, I agree with Lori that Tyler's not stopping his game when he hears the thud casts him in a slighly negative light. And I was a bit thrown by the thud-then-screech sequence. In my experience of accidents, it usually goes the other way--screech, then thud.
I find this a bit confusing - if there was a sickening thud, wouldn't he stop playing and look up? He could always hit pause. It's a good concept, though, and would hook me if his reaction was a bit more natural.
If the bus hit something, I don't think he'd hear a thud, sickening or otherwise. The screech and brakes would more get his attention. However, if the thud is something hitting the windows or roof it would be different. I'd need to read more to decide if I'm hooked.
Hmmm, could go either way. I'd read the rest of the page but no promises from there.
ReplyDeleteNot sure on this one, the passive voice threw me. Since I'm assuming the bus hit someone or something, I wonder if this could start another way.
ReplyDeleteI suggest not starting with a passive sentence. Show him clicking away at his game, then the thud and screech.
ReplyDeleteThe passive voice (was busy playing), immediate telling (sickening thud), and the use of an adverb right off the bat turned me off.
ReplyDelete"Quickly" landed on me with a thud (after mercilessly training myself to destroy adverbs in my own work), and I'm afraid I agree with the others about the passive voice. The immediate mention of contemporary toys sets the time well and probably will catch the attention of YA readers ... uh, quickly.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that he doesn’t stop playing the video game the moment he hears the thud kinda paints your character in a not-so-positive light. If this is intentional (i.e. his character doesn’t care for anyone other than himself), then it works. If not, then you’re paining a different aspect on him here with his delayed reaction.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm dense, but if he's playing a battle game on his ipod, I'm wondering if he's going to hear a sickening thud, or feel a sickening thud.
ReplyDeleteTyler Lucas was busy playing Bomberman on his iPod when he heard a sickening thud. He quickly planted his last bomb as the school bus screeched to a halt.
ReplyDeleteThe first passive sentence didn't hook me.
The "sickening thud" is the only thing that would keep me reading.
I'm almost sure "was busy playing" is continuous, not passive. And heard is an active verb, though it doesn't feel particularly active here. (Passive structure would be "Bomberman was being played by Tyler Lucas when . . .")
ReplyDeleteThat said, I agree with Lori that Tyler's not stopping his game when he hears the thud casts him in a slighly negative light. And I was a bit thrown by the thud-then-screech sequence. In my experience of accidents, it usually goes the other way--screech, then thud.
Agree with Just_me up the top. Would probably depend on the blurb.
ReplyDeletei loved this one. But maybe he shoud say he felt a thud, not heard it.
ReplyDeleteWas +verb-ing is a gerund clause I've heard literary agents often lament in their blogs.
ReplyDeleteI find this a bit confusing - if there was a sickening thud, wouldn't he stop playing and look up? He could always hit pause. It's a good concept, though, and would hook me if his reaction was a bit more natural.
ReplyDeleteIf the bus hit something, I don't think he'd hear a thud, sickening or otherwise. The screech and brakes would more get his attention. However, if the thud is something hitting the windows or roof it would be different. I'd need to read more to decide if I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how Tyler knew the thud was sickening when he was busy playing on his iPod.
ReplyDeleteThe situation is interesting (a dead body on a school bus? The driver dies?) but the construction is too passive for me.