Paul's skin tingled as if he'd crossed into the other universe. Keeping an intent expression on his face, he let his gaze travel from one side of the stage to the other, checking for anything unusual.
"Keeping an intent expression on his face," suggests to me that he's masking some non-intent mental activity. It's the sort of thing a tone deaf person might do do in their Music Appreciation class on a balmy Friday afternoon. But your next phrase has him fairly intently checking out his surroundings--so his face is just reflecting his real attitude. Which leaves me feeling a bit disappointed. I'm nearly always interested when a character is masking their true mental state.
The skin tingling is great showing writing. I would also "show" the intent expression. What does that look like? I liked the other universe turning out to be a stage.
"The" other universe? Hm. That's intriguing. I'm with goldchevy on showing the intense expression, instead of just telling readers that's what it is. :-)
"Paul's skin tingled as if he'd crossed into the other universe. Keeping an intent expression on his face, he let his gaze travel from one side of the stage to the other, checking for anything unusual."
I too find the single word "the" to be a strong hook. It didn't say to me that stage was the other universe, though. It suggests that somewhere on the stage there might be something from the other universe, or a portal to it.
The two sentences don’t seem to correspond—is Paul in a magical world, or standing on a stage? There’s a time and a place to be vague, IMHO, but the first paragraph isn’t it. I find that if a reader can’t immediately connect to a character or a place, they’re attention wanes and it’s very difficult to pull it back.
Paul's skin tingled as if he'd crossed into the other universe. Keeping an intent expression on his face, he let his gaze travel from one side of the stage to the other, checking for anything unusual.
I am confused - to the point that I would either stop reading or simply read the third sentence to see if any of this made more sense.
Is the other universe the stage? Or is this the question that is supposed to pull me into the story? Maybe if you describe the stage with an adjective, that might pull me in more.
I can picture the scene, but didn't really like the skin tingling. But that didn't bother me as much as the structure of the second sentence. It made me think there would be a lot of awkward sentences to come, and so I'd be reading on with some degree of cynicism. Since you don't want readers doing that, I'd suggest simplifying this.
Two different sentences pulled me in two different directions. The first made me think this was fantasy or something abnormal. The second diluted that and made me think it isn't so far out there after all. It's a curious situation so I'd read the rest of the page to find out what I'm dealing with.
Unless he crosses over into other universes a lot (and he might, be cool if he did), how does he know it makes the skin tingle? Does he need to "keep" his expression intent? Can't he just have an intense expression without trying to? Or is he purposely keeping his expression that way for a reason?
And you probably answer all these questions later on, and I'd keep reading to find them out.
I'm curious, but not grabbed. I'd keep going if the back of the book interested me.
ReplyDeleteAs long as something happened soon, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDelete"Keeping an intent expression on his face," suggests to me that he's masking some non-intent mental activity. It's the sort of thing a tone deaf person might do do in their Music Appreciation class on a balmy Friday afternoon. But your next phrase has him fairly intently checking out his surroundings--so his face is just reflecting his real attitude. Which leaves me feeling a bit disappointed. I'm nearly always interested when a character is masking their true mental state.
ReplyDeleteThe skin tingling is great showing writing. I would also "show" the intent expression. What does that look like? I liked the other universe turning out to be a stage.
ReplyDeleteI like it, but I agree with Christy: something needs to happen soon.
ReplyDelete"The" other universe? Hm. That's intriguing. I'm with goldchevy on showing the intense expression, instead of just telling readers that's what it is. :-)
ReplyDelete"Paul's skin tingled as if he'd crossed into the other universe. Keeping an intent expression on his face, he let his gaze travel from one side of the stage to the other, checking for anything unusual."
ReplyDeleteI too find the single word "the" to be a strong hook. It didn't say to me that stage was the other universe, though. It suggests that somewhere on the stage there might be something from the other universe, or a portal to it.
The two sentences don’t seem to correspond—is Paul in a magical world, or standing on a stage? There’s a time and a place to be vague, IMHO, but the first paragraph isn’t it. I find that if a reader can’t immediately connect to a character or a place, they’re attention wanes and it’s very difficult to pull it back.
ReplyDeleteThis did hook me. I would keep reading if it went into more detail right away.
ReplyDeletePaul's skin tingled as if he'd crossed into the other universe. Keeping an intent expression on his face, he let his gaze travel from one side of the stage to the other, checking for anything unusual.
ReplyDeleteI am confused - to the point that I would either stop reading or simply read the third sentence to see if any of this made more sense.
Is the other universe the stage? Or is this the question that is supposed to pull me into the story? Maybe if you describe the stage with an adjective, that might pull me in more.
I agree with lori.
Interesting. But why "keeping"? This expresses to me that he's working to do this and I'm wondering why.
ReplyDeleteThis has potential, but I think it could be a lot snappier. Try paring the second sentence back and making it a bit more active.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on out of curiosity about the situation.
I can picture the scene, but didn't really like the skin tingling. But that didn't bother me as much as the structure of the second sentence. It made me think there would be a lot of awkward sentences to come, and so I'd be reading on with some degree of cynicism. Since you don't want readers doing that, I'd suggest simplifying this.
ReplyDeleteHow does the reader know if the skin tingles when you enters another universe? I don't like the description. I do like the second line better.
ReplyDeleteMaybe if it read>>> Paul felt his face tingle as if he'd crossed into th other universe.....
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like it.
Interesting, if a little unclear. I would read on to find out if he's in a play or if something else is going on.
ReplyDeleteClose, but not quite. I'd probably read the rest of the page, get a better idea of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteTwo different sentences pulled me in two different directions. The first made me think this was fantasy or something abnormal. The second diluted that and made me think it isn't so far out there after all. It's a curious situation so I'd read the rest of the page to find out what I'm dealing with.
ReplyDeleteUnless he crosses over into other universes a lot (and he might, be cool if he did), how does he know it makes the skin tingle? Does he need to "keep" his expression intent? Can't he just have an intense expression without trying to? Or is he purposely keeping his expression that way for a reason?
ReplyDeleteAnd you probably answer all these questions later on, and I'd keep reading to find them out.