Cara stood in front of the gurgling fountain wondering when it was she'd lost her mind. Recently, she decided, certain someone would have let something slip if it'd been more than a day or two.
The grammar and punctuation problems here were distracting, as well as the passive voice. I found myself being drawn to that more than Cara’s observations or plight.
Cara stood in front of the gurgling fountain wondering when it was she'd lost her mind. Recently, she decided, certain someone would have let something slip if it'd been more than a day or two.
I don't feel connected to the narrator at all. I do like the first sentence, though. I am interested to know if she's thinking "lost her mind" in a funny kind of way, or really lost her mind, as in insanity. I would keep reading for that.
I agree with the others - you need to rework the second sentence.
Hmm, not quite grabbing me. I take it she hasn't really lost her mind, but circumstances have been driving her crazy. Those circumstances could be pretty much anything and this is too vague to get a feel for where this is headed.
I might keep going if the back of the book was interesting, but alone I'm not grabbed.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was amusing (made me smile), and I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence is confusing. Sounds humorous though.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI really like the concept here--I especially like the connection of losing one's mind to the gurgling fountain. But I would tighten the sentences
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence. Really, really nice job there. The second confused me at first -- I had to read it twice.
ReplyDeleteWould you consider using a word other than "it'd"? (I find the word bit awkward here, but that's idiosyncratic.)
I'd liked this one. I would keep reading
ReplyDeletei liked the first sentence but not the second. i'd keep reading though!
ReplyDeleteThe grammar and punctuation problems here were distracting, as well as the passive voice. I found myself being drawn to that more than Cara’s observations or plight.
ReplyDeleteCara stood in front of the gurgling fountain wondering when it was she'd lost her mind. Recently, she decided, certain someone would have let something slip if it'd been more than a day or two.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel connected to the narrator at all. I do like the first sentence, though. I am interested to know if she's thinking "lost her mind" in a funny kind of way, or really lost her mind, as in insanity. I would keep reading for that.
I agree with the others - you need to rework the second sentence.
Awesome idea, but I think the sentences themselves are too convoluted and hard to parse.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence confused me. I like the first one.
ReplyDeleteI think that there should be an 'a' inbetween 'decided' and 'certain' .
ReplyDeleteI think I would read on to find out what it was about.
Like the others, I found the first sentence very well done but the second one confusing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with others on this. First sentence is good, but the second confusing.
ReplyDeleteHmm, not quite grabbing me. I take it she hasn't really lost her mind, but circumstances have been driving her crazy. Those circumstances could be pretty much anything and this is too vague to get a feel for where this is headed.
ReplyDelete