Thursday, October 9, 2008

F2S 36

“Darin, you’re on fire!”

Kate Rondish grabbed one of the buckets of water that sat just outside the circle of the bonfire’s light.

10 comments:

Just_Me said...

Stop Drop Roll! Do they not teach this in school anymore?

Good intro to conflict...

goldchevy said...

I love the first line--it really grabbed my attention. I would tighten up the second line.

disorderly said...

Your first line got me. I wasn't as fond of the second, but if you tighten it just a bit.... :-)

Does Kate NEED two names in the second sentence? I mean, is there another Kate nearby with whom she might be confused? Sometimes a surname distracts early on. Just a thought.

Lady Glamis said...

“Darin, you’re on fire!”

Kate Rondish grabbed one of the buckets of water that sat just outside the circle of the bonfire’s light.


Good first line! That's a grabber, for sure.

I agree with disorderly on the surname. I think it might be better to introduce her surname later when it feels less rushed.

Lori said...

I think this depends on whose POV we’re in. If it’s Darin’s then I think this would be more engaging with his (brief) perspective of being on fire. If it’s Kate’s POV, then why is she referring to herself by her full name and why aren’t we feeling any sense of urgency from her? If it’s a third character’s POV we’re in, the reader really does need to know that right away, before they form an attachment to either of the two characters mentioned here.

Inkblot said...

Has potential, but needs tightening. Good suggestions above.

jerzegirl said...

I love the first line, but I would edit the second line. Maybe just mentioned she threw a bucket of water on her, and mention the bonfire in the next sentence.

Good job.

Mary said...

Good immediate conflict, but the pace slows too much in the second sentence.

fairchild said...

The first is hooky, the second is not, in my opinion. Ditto the comments on using a surname.

'One of the buckets of water that sat just outside' slows down the second sentence and puts the brakes on the urgency of the moment. Plus, the fact that there are several buckets of water on hand, means the incident is over before it begins.

blodwyn said...

Agree pretty much 100% with Fairchild here.