Wednesday, October 29, 2008

6 Drop The Needle TENSION

Title: Blind
Genre: YA Romance

Lead-In: Beth's soul mate, Cameron, died five years ago, before either of them could meet. He has "watched" her for those five years and began appearing in her sleep after saving her from dying in a car accident. This scene is after they've fallen in love and just after Beth considers staying with Cameron instead of waking up. (note: the italics is when they talk to each other through "telepathy", because Cameron is, in essence, in Beth's head.)



"That's why I told you," he said, grabbing both my arms and pulling me to face him. "That's why I told you to live. You shouldn't have chosen this. Beth, I can't let go, I can't move on. I don't want to move on. I'm just stuck in this half-way place. That's why you have to live now, while you can. While you still have a choice. Please." His fingers were digging into my arms, clinging to me, his life. He put his forehead to mine, trying to make his body stop shaking.

"Cameron," I couldn't raise my voice above a breath, "you appeared to me–"

He forced himself to take a breath we both knew he didn't need. "I–"

I felt his response before he said it.

He – regretted it. Me. He regretted being a part of my dreams.

You can't stay here, he whispered. It's time to wake up.

He meant it. He wanted me to wake up, to let him go, to go on the way I had been before my accident. To not stay with him.

My heart woke me up. It didn't want me to hurt like that anymore. But the pain lingered, even stronger now that I wasn't able to hold onto him.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, unable to draw in a breath that didn't shake.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't admit that my paradise, my beautiful haven, was in anyway corrupt.

12 comments:

Just_Me said...

Interesting. I'd like to read more :o)

Sissy said...

Interesting concept. There is definite tension here - I wish we had more than 250 words to work with!

Just one note - I think your "anyway" at the end should be two separate words.

sraasch said...

Oh, thanks, sissy! You're right about that "anyway". Sneaky little words get away from me sometimes.

Authoress said...

This hooked me. I felt the tension and also the pain of separation at the end of the excerpt. I'm certain the tension is ever more palpable if you've read the story from the beginning!

Luc2 said...

Excellent tension here. Not my kind of story, but this scene is interesting.

Karen Duvall said...

I don't know about tension, but I did feel sadness. Tension is usually built on the presumption of a future event. I didn't get that in this short excerpt, but it's likely somewhere in the pages that come before.

Mary said...

Wow. I actually cried, and this is only an excerpt. I think it does have tension - is he fully gone, will she see him again, will she be able to move on? Lots of story questions.

sraasch said...

mary -- you cried?? my day is brightened!

(only writers are able to say the above and not get slapped)

thanks!!

blodwyn said...

I'm not sure about tension, but I definitely felt sadness and a longing ...good story idea.

meradeth said...

Love this! I'd say what's going on here is tension--maybe not the typical kind, but tension nonetheless. I totally want to read more!

Lori said...

I really like the concept of the story. Can't say I've read anything quite like that.

This section is good, but way heavy on the drama, which nearly put me in mind of a soap opera!

Also, not a huge fan of: "you appeared to me–"

Trish said...

I thought this was great. I felt the tension. Would she stay with him and die or wake up.

I thought it was quite sad and very real. If you've lost someone you know how she feels.

Good job. Loved it.