Title: The Hole in Room 281
Genre: YA (upper end MG) Fantasy
Becca nudged the pencil up a fraction. She?d lined up all her pencils in size order. She adjusted another pencil down so all the erasers lined up along the bottom. To her right, Sam picked his nose. ?Gross.? she thought. She caught his eye and grimaced. He bolted upright, dropping his hand. Resigned, Becca dragged her attention to the lecture. It was no use; she found nothing of interest in the gross national product of Chile. Honestly, couldn?t they teach stuff that made sense in her life right now? Behind the teacher something caught her eye. It shimmered, smoky and green, almost the exact shade of the chalkboard. She scrunched her eyes shut then looked again. Gone.
The period end chime sounded. ?Finally,? Becca thought gathering up her books and pencils. Next period was lunch. What a relief. She?d fall asleep if she had to endure another lecture hour.
Becca picked her way through the screaming mass of students, squeezing toward the end of the hall to her locker. She blessed whoever in the main office remembered to assign her a lower locker. She?d need a ladder to actually use the lockers on the upper level. ?Whoever designed these lockers was such a doof,? she thought. The bottom of the upper lockers was level with her nose. Sometimes she really hated being the smallest girl in Jr. High.
She groaned, stopping short. The upper locker hung open while Michael held court with his fans. She hugged the wall behind her. ...
Yes. Although there isn't a big action sequence here, I'm drawn into Becca's world. I want to find out why she's so precise with her pencils. I like the concept of her being so short - it could provide challenges throughout the story. Would read more :)
ReplyDeleteI like the internal monologe. The formatting issues were a minor problem, but survivable. I'd like to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteAuthor Note: The odd question marks must be a translation error from the email program, they aren't in my original document. Sorry!
ReplyDeleteHmm, well, it was a bit slow and didn't really grab me, but I did like the quirks Becca showed and the immediate inclusion of the fantasy element. I don't know if it would hook me, but I'd probably read on for a few more pages.
ReplyDelete~Merc
Not really. The only thing that jumped out as unique was the glowing thing on the blackboard. Other than that, nothing interesting happens in either the plot or to/with the MC.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me. I see a lot of pages like this--the writing is polished, but there's a certain distance in the voice and ordinariness in the action that makes it tough to connect, despite the paranormal twist. I'm just not feeling Becca here. I wonder if you could try it in first person? Even if it does not feel right for the book in the end, the experience of really getting into her head may prove beneficial in transferring that back onto this POV.
ReplyDeleteA no for me. I like how Becca appears to be obsessive compulsive. Her inner monologue works well, but the second half of the opening drags. Too much time is spent discussing the location of her locker. As the section trails off, the locker is still being discussed. A little trimming would pull me into it more. Other than Becca seeming like an interesting protagonist and the green shimmer being strange, nothing else hooks me.
ReplyDeleteNo from me, too. It has lots of potential, but the fact that you need to skip over several hours of time after less than 120 words indicates to me that maybe the story's beginning in the wrong place. It makes the opening feel rushed, and a bit drafty.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to read a rewrite of this, though, since Becca seems interesting :)
Not for me, either. Long opening paragraphs throw me and I think I might have a tendency to skim. Also, I get the impression that she's a bit, shall we say, Obsessive Compulsive? A lot of introducing the character but not a lot happening. The "vision" or what have you was too brief for me, and then things plunged back into how bored she was and relieved that the class was over. Just my own opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I've seen too many MG and YA open with seeing something shimmery (insert fantasy element here) at school... only to slowly start to experiance some supernatural thing they learn actually exists. It doesn't feel new and fresh enough to hook me.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe glowing green thing seemed abrupt and then the story whizzed right along. The voice makes sense for the genre, but it's not very engaging. I know it's supposed to be a boring class, but the presentation of that seemed too generic. I'd like to know (other than her quirks) what makes Becca special; more interesting than all the other teen MC's out there.
I'm sorry. No. I was quite interested in Sam though and why he felt it was OK to pick his nose in public.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you are starting in the wrong place? Try starting just as the major event of the story happens and work everything you have before that point into later writing.
Yes<:
ReplyDeleteMight want to keep an eye on starting so many sentences with "She"