Steven opened the closet door and gasped.
"You-"
Richard came at him, his greasy blond hair hanging in his face, and gripping a two by four so tightly his knuckles were white. His face was contorted in a gnarled fit of anger. Fear ripped through Steven. He didn't have time to duck. Lights exploded like stars in front of his eyes and everything went black.
***
Steven's head throbbed with pain. His pulse quickened when he realized he couldn't move his arms. He heard Richard breathing behind him. Struggling to free himself, he drew in a sharp breath as the skin around his wrists tore against the coarse rope. Unable to move his feet, he realized his ankles were bound as well.
"You messed everything up," Richard said between clenched teeth.
"Richard-"
"Shut up." He pulled Steven to his feet, and put a knife to his throat.
Emily! His heart skipped a beat. Emily would be coming to look for him any minute. He had to warn her somehow. Panicked, his mind raced as he tried to think. Something warm trickled down the side of his face.
Richard tightened his grip as The Four Seasons concerto played from Steven's cell phone. The music took on an eerie tone as it filled the attic. Richard shifted and pulled the phone out of Steven's pocket. He was about to turn it off when Steven objected.
"It's my mother. If I don't answer it, she'll call the police."
Why was someone in his closet? I'm confused and I'm not sure this is the best place to start the story. I like that you start with action but there's not enough information to make sense of the action yet.
ReplyDeleteI think this needs just a bit more backstory to make sense of the scene. Maybe just a little action, then a quick sentence or two so the reader can put it all into context.
ReplyDeleteNo, this one didn't hook me, I'm afraid. I was a little bit unsure what was going on, and although there was action, it didn't draw me in a lot. But then, for me to like male main character driven stories is rare...
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm afraid it feels a bit rough and while I like the action, I want to understand the scene a little more. I'm not sure what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI did like Steve's excuse about the phone--that's clever and I'd be curious to see if Richard falls for it or what he does.
Good luck
~Merc
This read more like a random page in a book than a first page. I'm too lost and wondering who they are and why this is happening. I feel like I need a little more to go on in order to maintain interest in it.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth W.
I would read on and find out what is going on. I think you could give us more of an insight into Steven's thoughts though.
ReplyDeleteNo for me. The line about the mom is hooky but the POV is very distant to me--doesn't suck me in to who the characters are.
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of hooked. I think if you start with "Steven's head throbbed with pain." And left off the beginning paragraphs, you'd have a stronger hook. You can slip in scenes later on that describe how/why Richard was in Steven's closet. But the action, I think, is needed first.
ReplyDeleteA no from me. I'd prefer the book to start earlier, because the tension isn't working for me like this. I don't have a reason to care about what happens to Steven or what made Richard so mad.
ReplyDeleteTowards the end, when Richard starts to turn off the phone, the viewpoint switches. Make it clearer that Richard moves his thumb to turn off the phone -- otherwise it sounds like Steven is reading his mind.
The mother calling seems like a plot devise. How old are these two men? How often does Steven get calls from his mother? Most mothers don't jump to calling the police when their grown sons don't answer the phone.
On a side note, a lot of books have characters named Richard. A lot. Think about picking something less overused.
Not just yet. I don't think the first part adds anything-- we can get that he's attacked during the latter confrontation. Also, I felt that some transitions between actions would have helped smooth the pacing a bit.
ReplyDeleteI liked the action, but it did feel a bit disjointed. I agree with previous posters that this should definitely appear later in the book.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest him coming home, worrying about what went down with Richard and him worrying what's going to happen (if nothing more than to setup Richard popping out of the closet).
A bit meh, for me. Distant POV, slightly confusing situation... Agree that this feels like a page from the middle, rather than the beginning.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked from the standpoint that I wanted to know the reason for the conflict. But I was rather confused, which is a turn off for me.
MLF
Sorry, no. It felt rushed and set-up and... *blushes* funny. Probably just me and my warped sense of humor, so please don't take offense.
ReplyDeleteThe action happened a bit too fast for me... I felt a bit lost.
ReplyDeleteHad 2 problems. Can really imagine him swinging the board as he's coming out of the closet. Nor can I see him hesitating at the possible threat that Steven's mother will call the police over an unanswered phone call.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt felt a little too disjointed. I don't know anything about the MC, Richard, Emily, or what is going on so I had a hard time engaging in the tense situation; caring about the outcome.
I think you need to pace what's going on with more thoughts, and little hints as to what caused all this.
Its hard for me to be objective. I want to say to the commenters, read on, all your logic problems are answered, this is a lovely story.
ReplyDeleteAlicia does have a point about the name Richard. But I'm not sure how overused that is in a genre that isnt fantasy or sci-fi.
Thanks for sharing.
No, sorry.
ReplyDeleteNot really my thing.
I think the scene break early punctures the tension, and you could simply start at "Steven's head throbbed", and work in more about Steven and his motivations there.
I liked "You messed everything up." I think that's a good hook to make you wonder why these friends/acquaintances are in this situation. I also like added escalation with the introduction of Emily.
If this is the sort of book I read, you'd probably have hooked me.
Good luck with this...
The Four Seasons concerto played from Steven's cell phone.
ReplyDeleteHeh... that is so Stephen. And that has to be my worst nightmare. Opening the door to my parents walk in closet and having a grungy guy with a 2x4 come stomping out at me.
Yes<:
I think maybe you could nudging things around here. Like maybe Steven would also hear the sickening smack of the 2x4. Plus, like when he was tied up, maybe show where he was.
*pokes V to post more of this and other work*
I'm hooked, yes, but with reservations. It doesn't feel like the beginning of a book to me. If I were to pick this up at the store and start reading the first page, I'd be flipping backwards to try to find what I'd missed. I'd think the publisher messed up and forgot to include the real first page.
ReplyDelete