“That stupid cow pie,” Carrie muttered.
Her cat, Felix, barreled after the culprit, hissing. The boy had stolen her sunglasses and was about to make her eat grass when the Siamese attacked him. Felix frequently chased away her taunting classmates. She had almost made it home this time. Then she had heard familiar shouts, calling her “Creepy Peepers” and “Rabbit.”
“I’m a vegetarian – not a rabbit,” she yelled after the retreating boy. Carrie loved vegetables and had been known to turn down cake in favor of Brussels sprouts. Not a popular choice. Dropping her backpack, she shielded her eyes from the sun and spotted her glasses, dangling from a tree branch. She wore sunglasses to hide her eyes – one green and the other blue. It usually didn’t help.
Afraid of heights, she looked around and found a long stick. Leaping and grunting, she poked at the glasses, but couldn’t quite reach them. A possum waddled out on the tree branch.
Carrie dropped the stick – another strange sighting! She grabbed her backpack, whipped out her notebook and pencil, and jotted:
*A possum out in the daytime?
If that critter would walk out another couple of feet, it might shake loose the glasses. She rummaged through her backpack.
“Hey! Mr. Possum. If you can get me those glasses, you can have this.” She held up an apple.
The possum nodded, scurried out on the branch, and knocked off the sunglasses with its paw.
Heh. YES.
ReplyDeleteGood hook. I enjoyed the animals--and a quirky MC sounds appealing.
Would certainly like to read on.
Good luck,
~Merc
Yes, good hook. I think the opening needs a bit of work--I would have liked to see her shout something at the boy, something with a bit more pep, like, "Serves you right, you stupid cow pie!"
ReplyDeleteI'd also combine this to read something like this:
Her cat, Felix, barreled after the boy who'd stolen her sunglasses and had been about to make her eat grass. This was not an unusual thing for the Siamese to do--Felix frequently chased away her taunting classmates.
The mc is interesting; she's obviously got some unique qualities and is being picked on, which draws empathy. But a couple of things tripped me up and made me finally say no.
ReplyDeleteThe switch from present to past back to present threw me; it might work better if you rephrased to keep everything happening in the correct temporal order.
There's also a bit of telling to let us know certain details. I know this is needed when writing for younger readers, but I'm wondering if some of it could be put off and introduced a little later, when it can be fit more naturally into the context of the story.
My biggest concern was that the voice seems a little inconsistent. Phrases like 'that critter' and 'afraid of heights, she looked around...' don't seem to match. If you could work on making the voice clear and consistent all the way through, that would probably turn my no to a yes.
Not totally hooked. Not enough happening for interesting reasons.
ReplyDeleteYes! Especially when she say's 'I'm a vegetarian, not a rabbit!'
ReplyDeleteShe's quite like me....
Yuna
I'm in agreeance with Becca. No as it is, yes with some work,
ReplyDeleteI like the quirkiness of your mc, but ultimately I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDelete